Much time in the past few years has been wasted blaming others for the life I felt I had been dealt. I did not feel protected, loved, or fulfilled as a individual, and not really even knowing who "I" am. I have been expecting someone else to come along and "fix" everything for me.
My crisis came not as a moment of hearing something new for the first time, but rather a time of making it personal, realizing happiness will come from someplace within and that it shouldn't be about anyone else but me. I have to face the pain, reality and future knowing that I am the only person in my life who can change things.
After experiencing a glass shattering scream, a very ugly face cry, and a stiff drink, I made a promise that no longer would I think on myself as a victim. Rather, I would realize that I have made some poor choices in life where I was forced to live with the consequences. Yes, there were signs prior to those choices, but I chose to ignore them. Perhaps I thought I was better than the statistics or that something like that could never happen to me. But I was wrong, I allowed it to happen by making the wrong choice and continuing to not right the wrong.
So, I now have to re-think my thoughts and re-work my actions. I cannot allow myself to continue on the path I have walked for 53 years and think that it is not going to end up in the same destination. How do I change all of that? I've been to many therapists and watched as they shake their head in disbelief of my life's story; telling me not to expect someone else to carry my burden because it was too heavy. I have sat across the desk from a clergy and listened intently as I was told God was the only answer to my problem, and sadly enough I have watched the horror in my friends eyes as I started to unload my "problems" on them once again and see the shut off in their eyes, but not finding that switch to love them enough to just shut up.
Today is a new day! I am a strong woman, I am happy, I am blessed, I am successful, I am fun, and I am capable of love. I refuse to continue living in the past and letting it cripple my future! I will start living my life one moment at a time - knowing I have a purpose and I have been put on this earth for a reason. I am not sure what that reason is yet, but I know it is not to roll over and fail or to shut myself off from family and friends.
Tonight I go to sleep with a renewed hope in my soul knowing that 2013 will be everything I make it. I plan on making it the year all my dreams become reality!
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