Men and the Root of Anger: Is It Anger Management or Wound Healing That Is Needed?

Anger is a natural, healthy part of our emotional lives. It is only when anger becomes out of control or explosive that it turns harmful. Men experience anger on all levels. We can easily recognize men with anger when it turns to rage, aggression, or violence, but few people can identify the other signs of anger in men, such as depression, being hard on self, the need to be perfect, the need to be tough, and the obsession to achieve. Whenever men examine the sources of their anger, they are often surprised at how deep their anger goes, how it is related to past hurts, and how deeply tied into their identities it has become.

It is important to understand the confusion that men have with anger. First, anger most often starts in boyhood and is confused with "power" and "strength" in young males. This confusion comes because anger "feels" powerful, especially if a boy is fearful and wants to find a way to cover up his fear with an emotion that emboldens and energizes him. Second, the confusion about anger is further compounded by a boy's experience with angry adults and poor emotional modeling. Boys view angry adults as being more powerful and threatening in their expressions of anger. These angry role models teach boys that expressing anger as a source of power and emotional dominance is acceptable.

The problem is that boys learn to depend on using anger for getting their needs met, instead of being able to appropriately express their needs by talking about them. Likewise, boys can become habitualized to depend on anger as a means of relief from unacceptable feelings (e.g., fear, shame, guilt, etc.), instant gratification of demands, or to create feelings of being powerful or invincible.

Anger most typically gets transformed into aggression in young males, which becomes another source of confusion, since boys in general are encouraged or rewarded for their aggression, especially in terms of competitive sports. Some may argue that aggression in sports is a good way of channeling anger, but most men don't know how to switch it off, especially at times when the anger-aggression may be triggered by feelings of being threatened, hurt, or fear of vulnerability.

Dependence on anger usually carries on into adulthood as a "habit" than gets out of control. Our jails and prisons are full of men for whom anger became their only way or habit of getting their needs met. This sad, but true fact is why there needs to be more emphasis on helping men heal the wounds and hurts behind their anger.

Anger management programs are often recommended by family members, significant others, and even courts after a man has had some sort of outburst or aggressive behavior. Reviewing some of the websites available, the common selling point is that "men can learn to control their anger" through techniques and timeouts. Although valuable and helpful, lasting change comes through healing the emotional wounds and hurts at the root of anger, not from attending anger management classes. Working one-on-one with a therapist can help men to discover the roots of their anger stemming from emotional wounds. The therapeutic process can help guide men through the stages of grieving, forgiveness, and letting go as well as equip them with healthier coping strategies for appropriately expressing anger. Men of all ages are able to experience transformation and heal through therapy so that their anger is no longer out of control.