Years ago, my husband and I participated in family support groups. Each meeting was a learning experience. One thing I learned is that you can't be a passive member. A person with a dominant personality may try to control the group. This isn't good for that person it isn't good for for you.
When you commit to this proactive step, keep in mind that meetings will fluctuate and some go better than others. But if meetings start to fall apart and upset you, it's time to remedy the situation. What can you do?
1. Ask the dominant person to share time. Start out with a compliment, such as, "You've made many good points during our sessions and I've learned from them. Other members have helpful comments too, and I hope you will make time for them." There are no inflammatory words here and, if you speak in a calm voice, the person may do as you ask.
2. Review the rules. When someone joins a gathering he or she agrees to follow the basic rules. Maybe it's time for a reminder. Your reminder may be verbal or printed on a handout. Members may wish to identify rules which have been followed and those that have not.
3. Understand the difference between empathy and sympathy. Robert Bolton, PhD, examines the difference in his book, People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts. He thinks sympathy can be over-involvement in the life of another person and can be condescending. In contrast, empathy is the ability to understand another person's feelings and what causes them. "The empathetic person communicates with the other in such a way that the other feels accepted and understood," he writes.
4. Skip a meeting. A brief time away may help you assess the situation and the group's dynamics. If you think you need time off, tell the facilitator and the members. "I'm taking next week off to think a bit," is something you might say. Use this option cautiously, however, because it can turn into avoidance. When my husband and I participated in family groups, the meetings became smaller and smaller. Husbands and wives attacked each other and it was terrible to witness. At the end, we were the only couple left.
5. Form a new group. In her book, The Courage to Grieve, author Judy Tatelbaum tells how she created a woman's consciousness-raising group with seven others. Six weeks later, members were so fond of each other they decided to keep going. "We became sort of an extended family to rely on in all times of need," she explains. Before you create the group, find a trained facilitator.
This is a time for patience. Treat others as you would like to be treated and trust they will do the same. Remember the purpose of the group and why you joined. Help yourself in other ways -- eating a balanced diet, walking to relieve stress, meditating each day, reading books about your problem. All of these proactive steps will help you find your way and find the solutions you're seeking.
Copyright 2014 by Harriet Hodgson
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