Can a person control their emotions? What can you really control? Happiness for everyone! We are obsessed with control these days. Every company, institution, agenda, and family member wants to have some sort of control over us, and we want it over them. We want our opinions to be heard and our needs to be met. We want the control. Why do we want this control? If we are in control we are happy. Everyone is.
How do we know if we have the control?
What does it really mean to have control? How do we really have influence? Can controlling another person ever give me control? NO. To spell this out more plainly, I cannot ever have control by attempting to control another person. The only control I can ever have is over myself.
Leonardo DaVinci once observed:
"You will never have a greater or lesser dominion than that over yourself. The delight of a man's success is gauged by his self-mastery: The depth of his failure by his self abandonment. He who cannot establish dominion over himself will have no dominion over others."
Learning self-control
Years ago I was introduced to DaVinci's philosophy by my father. My three brothers knew how to get a rise out of me in almost every situation. They were the perfect teasers. They had complete control over my emotions and I knew it. It was so hard to handle.
One day when I was tattling on my brother for teasing my father looked at me and calmly, almost like a special secret said, "You know Nicholeen they only tease you because it works." His voice got a bit lower as he said, "If you choose not to be affected by their teasing then they won't have any more fun and they will stop."
I was AMAZED! I really was. Was it that easy to get control of myself again? Could I really just make a choice to control my emotions and control a whole situation? WOW!
My father could have handled this situation very differently. He could have gone to my brothers and made them stop. He could have controlled them because they were controlling me, but he knew there was a higher principle and that I could understand it and do it. I never had problems with people teasing me after that. It just wasn't fun for anyone to tease me because I was completely unaffected. I chose my own responses.
Can people push your "buttons?"
People around the world have emailed me with the same question after my episode of The World's Strictest Parents, produced by the BBC, aired. The question usually goes something like this, "Your son said you don't have any buttons which other people can push. How is that possible? How can I get rid of my buttons too?"
DaVinci answered this question above. You can't control another person without first controlling yourself. My good friend Ernest Justesen said, "The greatest battles of life are fought out daily in the silent chambers of the soul... a victory in a man's heart is worth a thousand on the battlefield of life... The crown of character is self-control."
Once a person chooses to win the battle against their own emotions then they have won the greatest victory of all. And, once a person wins that victory they have the power of influence in any situation. Don't all adults need this power of influence? When should the power be learned? Learning self-control should happen as soon as possible. I was a young girl when my father taught me where my real power was and how to use it. We can teach our children the same.
I believe that each person can effectively learn how to govern their own thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. Self-government is being able to determine the cause and effect of any given situation, and possessing a knowledge of your own behaviors so that you can control them.
In order to asses your own behaviors and emotions and change them for the better it is essential to understand cause and effect. I am sure you have noticed grown adults who don't understand cause and effect well. These adults are the ones who yell to get their way, and ignore people to get their points across. I don't want my children to turn out like either of the adults above, so at our house we regularly analyze our emotions and discuss the best ways to communicate as a family.
Control is a Gift
Being able to control our own thoughts, actions and emotions is a divine gift. It is called agency. We get to choose our own emotions in every situation. We can't always choose every situation, but can always choose how we will respond to each situation we are in. This kind of control is the greatest gift we have.
However, just as we have the control over our own lives and growth, we can also give it away. Control cannot be taken. It has to be given.
I remember hearing a story years ago about a United States soldier who was captive in a Vietnam War camp. He was tortured and neglected. He experienced the most humble and humiliating situations but he was joyful. He related that his captors could control his surroundings and how he was treated but he knew they could never control him. He knew he controlled his own thoughts. They could never take that away from him. He could remain happy and positive if he chose to. Nothing was bad enough to lose his self-control over. A person can physically control another person by force, but still emotional and spiritual control cannot be touched. It has to be given away. The soldier mentioned above could have given his happiness to his captors but he chose not to.
Mind Over Matter
My fifth grade teacher taught me the same lesson the soldier learned above about self-discipline by running with us. We would run one and a half miles each day; rain or shine. It was hard and we didn't like it most of the time, but my teacher would do it with us in his dress clothes even. He would run past us and gently say, "Mind over matter, mind over matter." Thank you Mr. Whiting! I was listening. Not only did I learn I could run any distance I set me mind to and think myself though any problem or pain, like childbirth and chronic back pains, I learned that my mind could win any physical situation I found myself in.
Learning a new language
Sometimes learning self-control means learning a new language for communication. The way I speak in parenting or confrontation situations is always the same. I have planned it and practiced it. At first it was difficult to teach myself a new language but I would never change now.
Looking to the future
We can only control one thing, our own thoughts and emotions. Trying to control anyone else will always be a power struggle. If we focus on controlling ourselves and having the spirit of calmness with us each day will be able to share the secrets of self-control we learn with our children too so that they are not captive by the emotional control of others either. We want success for our children and success comes much easier to those who know they are responsible for controlling themselves.
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