Friends and Real Friends: The Difference

Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you need is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. Oprah Winfrey

Inevitably, and thankfully, people make and share friendships despite inequity, race or geography and thus, while real friends may not always be able to contribute equally to a friendship, they will always contribute mutually and beneficially.

Real friends care not about our station in life, who or what we are; nor concern themselves with the benefits that accrue to being in our company; yet how often it is that friendships are formed for less than altruistic reasons and some people seek to be our new best friend for reasons other than our best interests.

Unfortunately the famous, or perhaps infamous, what's in it for me principle tends to apply to friendships.

Surely as day follows night, some people want to be our friend for their own benefit more than for our benefit; for what they can get out of the friendship rather than what they can contribute to it.

Let me delve into the depths of the worn out cliché list for a moment and state that there are only two kinds of people: those who want to be friends, and those who don't.

Usually people want to be our friend for a reason. It may be that we are just an all-round nice person (like yourself) and everyone just naturally gravitates towards us; meaning that we have lots of friends. Or perhaps it's because we have power, position or prosperity; any or all of which can be a friend magnet.

Being on friendly terms with someone wealthy has obvious connotations as wealth throughout history has always been seen as desirable and attracted a following.

Of course, having a friend in a powerful position has always been considered the pathway to success. The time-honored saying it's not what you know but who you know has clear relevance here and carries with it more than an element of truth, and for some, being friends with A-List people gives them some social status also; as perhaps some of the famous or popular persons glitter might rub off onto them.

Whether we demonstrate importance, wealth or celebrity status in politics, business, sport or any other field there will always be those who seek our attention; who seek to be close to us; who seek to have influence with us in order to extend their own interests.

It should be stated that, realistically, there is nothing wrong with being close to prominent people; in fact it is part of success lore to seek out people at a higher station in life in order to learn from them and improve our personal status; nothing wrong with that.

Call it leverage if you will.

And lets not forget that sometimes friendships are formed due to common interests, and even, romance.

Of course in our times people may have thousands, even millions of friends on social media even if those people don't actually know each other, resulting in the very term friend being somewhat devalued.

Yet in many instances friends are attracted merely because of some perceived benefit we offer; which, hey, may not be any problem at all.

The real problems manifest themselves when friendships are sought, or commenced for the wrong reasons.

To reiterate: real friends contribute to a mutually beneficial relationship.

Real friends, however, are attracted to us simply because of who we are, not for what we have.

These friends tend to stick to us regardless of our waxing or waning fortunes or popularity; regardless of whether we are cool; and regardless of whether we have some net benefit to offer.

But what happens to relationships when the apparent value, or potential is no longer deemed to be there?

Often expediency reigns: once the friend is of no further use, they may be jettisoned, released, or, in the vernacular of modern social climes unfriended.

This often happens when people who are busily trying to climb the social or corporate ladder form a view that a particular friend is no longer of value.

The out working of this is when perception over-rules relationship; where perception management over-rules relationship management and friendship itself.

Sad.

Now, it may be so that a person sincerely wishes to change their ways, change their fortunes or change their future and so seeks to develop or culture a new and different peer group.

Sometimes desirable.

But the biggest damage is done where a friend is unceremoniously removed from our circles not because they have hurt us, but rather because they have suffered misfortune; perhaps they have erred in some way and got into trouble, even been jailed; have failed in an endeavour or activity; or just dropped off the social merry-go-round.

This is the domain of fair-weather friends, those who are pleased to be associated when things are going well, and there is some benefit to be derived, but who quickly divest anyone who loses their value, who may even need help.

When someone is suffering, becomes unpopular or perhaps is considered a pariah by those around them, this is the very time they need friends.

Real friends.

Real leaders understand that a friend is a friend because of who they are; not because of what they have done or have to offer.

Chemistry, not convenience. Relationship not reward.

Author Neil Findlay