The Wizard of Ah-Ha's: How to Never Be a Victim Again!

Are you living as cause, or at the effect of life?

In The Wizard of Oz, all the characters believed they were victims, beholden to some external power to give them what they needed to succeed -- in their case, it was the wizard.

But as they discovered, what they were waiting for, they already had -- but they had to stop looking outside of them, stop being at the effect of others, and start being cause.

I don't know if the songwriter knew what he was writing when he penned this lyric, but it says it all.

"We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz, because because because because because -- because of the wonderful things he does!"

Take a look at that line again. Do you see it? The mystical message?

Let me break it down...

Be-CAUSE, be-CAUSE, be-CAUSE, be-CAUSE, be-CAUSE...be-CAUSE of the wonderful things he does.

BE the CAUSE of, not at the effect of.

It even tells us what to be the cause of...'the wonderful things HE does.'

And who is this "he"? The wizard that they ultimately discover lives within them. Another name for this wizard... True Self, God, Love, Higher Power.

And what are the wonderful things he does? He (or she) gives courage, strength, power, love -- all the things we want but believe we must get from someone or something outside of us in order to be whole and return home again.

But instead we are told that we must be cause of all these wonderful things.

Whatever's missing is what you're not giving, because everything is already within you. This is one of the greatest truths ever revealed by the master teachers throughout the ages. But simply knowing this truth isn't enough. We must consciously activate and participate in it.

Meet the Wizard Within

Look at one area of your life where you feel stuck, where you feel "at the effect of" the person or situation. What are you waiting to see, hear, or receive before you can feel empowered?

Imagine you now have it; visualize yourself living in the solution, in the ideal situation where this area is concerned. Really let yourself feel it. Take note of the qualities you feel.

Ask yourself: "Who would I be if this situation was resolved fully? How would I feel, how would I act, what would I do?"

Then ask yourself: "What would it look like for me to be this person in my life now?"

Don't accept a vague answer like "be more authentic..." Ask what that would look like, where specifically you are moved to be that... Keep asking until you get some actionable guidance.

Finally, ask: "What activities, people, environments, or objects make me feel the way I would feel if this situation was resolved?"

Make a list of all the possibilities. Then make a plan to engineer these things into your life. Start with one week that includes:

1. At least one way that you can be the person you would be if this situation was resolved. As Gandhi said, we must be the change we want to see.

2. One to three activities that make you feel these feelings of empowerment.

3. Some quality time with people who make you feel these feelings.

4. At least one trip to an environment that makes you feel these feelings.

5. One to three new objects in your space (pictures, music, scents, trinkets) that activate these feelings.

Put this plan on your calendar. Don't just think about it or write a to-do list. Actually make the time and space to do these things. It won't happen otherwise. Re-evaluate after a week and create a month-long plan.

Then ease on down the road...

But remember, the yellow brick road is not a path we take merely outside, it is a journey we take within... to that Emerald City of the soul where we discover we have been at the controls all along.

There's no place like home.

Until next time, live authentically, love unconditionally, and follow your destiny!

Derek

P.S. -- If you haven't received your Free 7-Day Total Emergence Coaching Program, get it here now: www.LawOfEmergence.com/Emergineering

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Do You Know What You Want To Be When You Grow Up? I Don't!

As I've written in previous posts, I used to be an actress. I grew up an actress... I got my first agent around the age of 5, and left my last agent at 25. I was always going to be an actress. That was my identity. I never even considered anything else. So when I stopped pursuing an acting career, I had an identity crisis. I had no idea what I wanted to be, what I wanted to do. I had never explored any other option.

Cut to now. I am frustrated. I have spent the past nine years doing many things, and feeling like I haven't stuck with one because I like them all, and can't decide! And this smorgasboard of things I do have made it hard to build any one foundational business; I can't get myself to just choose one. This is pretty much how it's gone over the past nine years: Reiki, yes! Love it! Homeopathy and natural health, yes! Let me study that, too! Spiritual counseling, yes! Let me go deep in study so that I can bring light to the world! Writing, yes, my favorite... writing about dating and relationships, you say? OK!... Oh cool, fitness, yes! Love it! Let me become a trainer! You get where I'm going with this. I have thoroughly enjoyed every one of these things, and I believe each of these things truly helps people. And I have learned so much and grown with each thing as well. But... Where has it gotten me, really? Why can't I just choose one, darn it, and focus on building it so I can make a living already?

I had a complete breakdown in yoga class the other night (as often happens in that damn pigeon pose). The class was being taught by the studio's owner, who has become quite a guru in his own right... And I remembered taking classes with him 10 years ago at bad time slots with no people in them, in someone else's studio when he was first starting out. And look at him now: his own studio, many followers. He had stayed the course. He had become an expert in his field. WHY CAN'T I DO THAT!? What's wrong with me? If I had stayed the course with any of those things I mentioned previously, perhaps my life would be a whole different ballgame now and I would be stable and on a specific path!

I was unloading all of this on a friend when she looked at me and said, "You just don't know what you want to be when you grow up." Whoa. Knocked the wind out of me. I know it sounds so simple, but it's not anything I ever thought of... because I am a grown-up, so I'm supposed to already be doing what grown-ups do. I had invested 20 years in a different path, and when I left it, I was a grown-up, but one starting from scratch. Many people explore what they want to be in college... Many people spend all of their 20s trying out different paths or careers, or already putting in the time and effort to build their career. But I didn't do that then. I missed out on all that, and started from scratch when most people are already well on their way. And where has that put me? Feeling behind everyone -- my friends with their VP and executive positions that they've worked hard for over the past 10-plus years, my friends with thriving therapy practices, with teaching jobs they love... leaving me feeling kinda like a loser sometimes.

But now I realize I had a late start, and have spent my time since then exploring and studying many different things, deciding what I want to put my focus and attention on becoming when I "grow up." This realization honestly gives me a lightness as I go forward in my life being open to seeing what it is I want to do; maybe it's all of these things I have learned somehow combined together. Maybe it's deciding to become an expert in one of them. Or maybe it's something completely different. I don't know. And that's ok. Because I'm taking the pro-active steps in figuring it out.

I'm sharing this because I know other people out there feel similarly... Maybe you feel like you are floundering from one thing to another, maybe you feel the pressure of society or your parents or your spouse to just pick a path already and stay on it even if you hate it. Maybe you (like me) have tried many things, but just don't know exactly what you want to do. And I'm here to say, that's ok. Explore. We have our whole lives to discover what we want to be when we grow up... or maybe we will never decide what we want to be when we grow up because the growing up is just in the journey (I like that one best).

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The Kids Are Gone -- What Will I Do?

What will I do?

The rallying cry of empty nesters is the mating call for reinvention. So many friends are going through this horrible/terrific transition after their kids leave home.

Yes, we'll miss them, we'll wonder how to get by without making their school lunch, yelling at them to clean up, waiting up till 1 a.m. to hear the front door close quietly behind them, dragging them out of bed, making their friends get their feet off our coffee tables...

But this is also an opportunity to take back some of our old life, a time where we wondered what we could do to make our own lives full and complete, a time when we reveled in thought of our own personal indulgences, hobbies and creative passions. One way or another, we've all wondered what we would do with a little more time if we weren't so busy raising our kids. Would we expand our careers, finding a passion we could turn into a job, finding a hobby that nurtured our soul?

What would you do if you had a little extra time on your hands or needed to find something to fill that now-missing piece of time in your life? Sometimes, the hardest thing is to figure out what we like and what interests us. Right?

Here are some ideas for embarking on this journey:

• Keep pen and paper handy at all times -- you never know when a great idea may pop in your head or where you'll be when that inspiration crosses your path.
• Be very open to the possibilities -- let the Universe know that you're looking.
• Talk to everyone you know -- you'd be surprised what ideas or anecdotes others may have about their source of inspiration, something they read, the way they know you and others stories they can share.
• Flip through magazines that catch your eye that maybe you've not bothered with before. Go to a newsstand and see what intrigues you. Buy it!
• Dare to dream
• Look in the classified ads -- you'll see jobs, industries and ideas that may never have dawned on you.
• Consider taking some classes.
• Put a group together for dinner, coffee with like-minded friends going through this and brainstorm and share.
• Consider yourself lucky -- you have raised great kids and helped send hem on their way. Pat yourself on the back and keep growing.

Enjoy and Happy Reinventing!

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Addicted to Facebook? NLP Tips for Cutting Back on Social Media

Recently I got a message from a student asking what techniques I would suggest for helping people limit their time on Facebook. Specifically, this student requested suggestions for NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) techniques that could help.

I have to admit, when it first came along, I wasn't a big fan of Facebook. Then I started to see it works. I was holding an NLP workshop in San Jose and a woman told me, "I am so glad you posted on your updates you were coming to San Jose -- that's how I knew to come."

Around the same time, I received an email from a student saying she was having trouble with marketing and attracting people to come to her trainings. I was pondering what I could do to assist her when I got a private message from her through Facebook. She sent me a "golden potato" from the online game FarmVille.

I turned to one of our trainers and asked her, "What is this FarmVille thing?" She told me how it works. You sit there on Facebook and press the space bar over and over again, like one of those rats in a maze that hits a button and a little pellet comes out. "What does this do for you?" I asked. She responded, "Nothing. You can become a grand master farmer and have golden radishes and whatnot."

I felt a little frustration. I was wondering, "Why is this student emailing me saying she is having trouble with her marketing when she is sitting there -- tap, tap, tap -- trying to make a radish turn from red to gold?" I mean, who cares if you are a grand master farmer in FarmVille? Who cares if you win at Mafia Wars? Who cares how many friends you have on Facebook?

There are more important questions you should be asking yourself, like what is your purpose for being here? Have you let go of the baggage that is preventing you from doing what you are meant to be doing so you can have what you want to have?

From a psychological perspective, some people use things like Facebook to escape from reality -- the reality of having to deal with their stuff. Maybe they fear they might fail. So rather than even trying, they spend their energy to become a grand master so they feel like they have accomplished something.

If you feel like you are spending too much time on Facebook or other social media, try changing your perspective. You have to look at social media for what it is meant to be. Facebook is for social networking, to keep in contact with your friends, and to post what you are doing. If it is taking away from some other area of your life, you have several options.

First, you can make a change. Let go of the baggage -- let go of the anger, the sadness, the fear, the guilt that is holding you back. Get in touch with your purpose. Why you are here? What are you meant to be doing? Who are you meant to be? And begin to do the things that fulfill your purpose.

Second, you can use specific NLP techniques, such as the chain of anchors, procrastination to motivation, or a submodality belief change in what you do with your time.

Finally, consider this: If you are living your purpose, you have been practicing these techniques, and you are able to get the results you want, maybe you just have to choose to do something different with your time rather than spending it harvesting digital potatoes.

You may be saying, "How do I do that?" Maybe you have already done a lot of change work. Maybe the answer is not another technique you do or another thing you release. Maybe it is just time for you to remember who you are, what you are meant to be doing, and get up and do that, plain and simple.

Here's an example from my life: I don't always want to work out every day. There are some days when I would rather just stay in bed, being lazy. But usually I get up and work out. Maybe "get up and work out" is an anchor I use. Maybe I have just done it so many times it has become an anchor. Who knows?

I do know this: We are what we repeatedly do. Therefore, excellence is not a chance. Excellence is a habit that you form. Begin to make a shift on the physical level, because an ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.

Aloha!
Matthew

Matthew B. James, MA, Ph.D., is president of Kona University and its training and seminar division The Empowerment Partnership, where he serves as a master trainer of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), a practical behavioral technology for helping people achieve their desired results in life. His book, The Foundation of Huna: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Times, details forgiveness and meditation techniques used in Hawaii for hundreds of years. He carries on the lineage of one of the last practicing kahuna of mental health and wellbeing. To reach Dr. James, please contact him via his Facebook fan page or his blog.

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Are You Hardy Enough? How Being Your Real Self Helps You Deal With StressB

Life is stressful. Financial strains, employment worries, relationship difficulties, and parenting challenges can all lead us to feel overwhelmed. But what exactly makes the difference between those who get pushed over the edge with stress and those who, when faced with stressors, actually thrive and develop? In his 30-plus years of research, psychologist and founder of the Hardiness Institute, Dr. Salvatore Maddi, has discovered that hardiness coping strategies, attitudes, and beliefs make the difference. "Hardiness" describes a personality trait characterized by resilience and the ability to cope effectively with stress. This year, the American Psychological Association acknowledged Dr. Maddi's theoretical and research contribution to understanding hardiness by giving him their Gold Medal Award for Life Achievement in Psychology in the Public Interest.

Dr. Maddi's original study on hardiness was conducted at Bell Telephone when employees, managers and supervisors had to deal with deregulation and the lay-offs and restructuring that followed. Many employees suffered adverse effects on their mental and physical well-being, but others actually grew and thrived from the stress. In-depth interviews and extensive psychological tests done years before the changes occurred revealed the traits, outlook, and coping strategies that made the difference. What was found in this research is that those who saw change as a positive challenge, who were open to new ideas, who felt confident and capable, and who problem solved rather than avoided the stress did better.

There are three traits that make up hardiness: challenge, control, and commitment. Challenge means seeing problems or stressors as challenges and opportunities. Individuals with this trait accept change as part of life and don't expect life to be easy. The second "C" of hardiness, control, means not seeing oneself as a helpless victim who is at the mercy of stressors. It involves having an internal locus of control, in other words, feeling that you can influence the course of your life and take actions that will improve your chances of achieving your goals. Individuals with this trait are generally optimistic and hopeful and feel a sense of personal power. Commitment, the third "C" of hardiness, involves having a sense of purpose and meaning in life. Persons with this trait do not just survive, going through life with little direction, instead they thrive.

Research on many groups -- including soldiers, executives, athletes, and students -- have replicated these findings: that hardiness predicts success, adaptive coping, and wellbeing. The outlook and coping approach of hardy individuals is consistent with the traits of a fully differentiated individual, as outlined in my new book, co-authored by my father Dr. Robert Firestone and Joyce Catlett, The Self Under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiation. Individuals who are more differentiated, who are living their lives based on their own unique values and desires, are open to new experiences rather than tied to routine. They can think clearly and problem-solve. They are proactive, not victimized, when faced with difficulties. They take personal responsibility for their well-being and take good care of themselves. They pursue their goals, actively seeking what gives meaning to their lives.

All of these are traits defined as hardiness in Dr. Maddi's research. He found that one-third of individuals in his original study manifested hardiness. Many elements may go into why some people are hardier than others, but one thing that has been proven is that people can become hardier with training. In childhood, parents who encourage children to feel capable to solve problems and who offer them support contribute to a child's development of hardiness traits. For those who were not as fortunate in terms of the parenting they received, there is also hope that hardiness can be learned. Hardiness training has been found to improve people's ability to deal with crises and the stress of everyday life. Similarly, we have found that people who achieve greater degrees of differentiation, by using the therapy approach we outline in the book, are better able to cope with adversity and to create meaningful satisfying lives for themselves.

In The Self Under Siege we delineate a method to develop and become a more fully differentiated individual, and therefore, more hardy or better able to cope with stress. There are four steps in the process of differentiation:

1) Separate from self-destructive and self-soothing thought processes, or "critical inner voices." These thoughts talk you out of going after the things you want in life and encourage you to engage in self-defeating, self-destructive behaviors toward yourself and others. The critical inner voice contributes to attitudes and behaviors that are the opposite of hardy, for instance seeing oneself as a helpless victim who has no control over their life and no direction. Examples of the critical inner voice are:

• "Nothing ever works out for you."
• "They always disregard you."
• "They expect too much from you."
• "There is nothing you can do to make things better."

2) Recognize negative traits in your parents and how you manifest these behaviors in your own life. Noticing when you behave in a manner that is not in line with how you want to be as a person or finding yourself having an attitude that is objectionable to yourself, is the first part of this step. Could it be that these behaviors and attitudes are similar to the traits in your parents you liked the least? Changing the negative traits that you incorporated from your parents and acting like the person you really want to be is second part.

3) Give up self-soothing behavior patterns that were once an adaptation to the circumstances of your early life, that served as survival mechanisms in your past, but that now interfere with and are not appropriate to your adult life. These often include addictive behaviors and self-protective, inward approaches to life.

4) Develop your own moral compass and pursue the activities and people that make your life meaningful.

A hardy individual feels a sense of competence and a willingness to take personal responsibility for achieving his or her goals. These attitudes are consistent with those of a differentiated person. Differentiation involves identifying aversive behaviors and faulty programming in the family and in society. It involves developing insight into the relationship between these factors and one's "critical inner voices," a self-destructive way of thinking that both causes and enhances personal distress when faced with challenges. It involves understanding the source of these problems and modifying one's negative, self-sabotaging attitudes, personality traits, and behaviors.

As people differentiate, they feel a deeper sense of personal power. Personal power involves strength and confidence and the ability to pursue what really matters to you. The more differentiated a person is, the more he or she will be able to deal effectively with adverse circumstances and to see challenges as opportunities. In the United States, given the current economic crises, the stress of almost 10 years at war, and the generally fast-paced, competitive nature of our society, we could all especially benefit from becoming more differentiated, and therefore more hardy.

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Goals And Motivation

Goals And Motivation

Goals and motivation are closely linked together since without motivation you’ll never achieve those goals. Motivation has become a multi-billion dollar business in this country, with people turning to spiritual leaders, workshops, and even professional motivators in order to find the incentive and energy to achieve their goals. Motivation is the incentive that you need to strive towards those goals that you want to meet in your life.

If you are not motivated to do something then that means that you do not have something that you want to do. If you are not motivated to go back to school, for instance, then that means that you do not want to get more education. Many people gladly spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars persuading themselves to do things they know they should do. Make sure that your goals are clear so that you use your motivation in positive ways.

Once you have figured out the major areas of your life, and your central purpose of what you want, motivation will fall automatically into place. Picture each day the way you would like each section of your life to be. This can help motivate you to take action.

By visualizing each area of your life you push your mind to develop solutions to current problems and you allow your mind to develop the idea that such success is possible. With daily visualization you can find the energy to improve all areas of your life since your mind will begin to accept that change is possible. Many of us remain unmotivated to push for our goals, such as look for a new job, because we believe that doing so is too frightening. We think that no matter how bad things are now at least we are used to our current way of life.

Change, no matter how possibly pleasant, is a risk and is part of goal setting. For many of us, that risk is too scary. So we procrastinate and tell ourselves that change is impossible. We talk ourselves into being unmotivated so that we do not have to face this risk. This leads to goals that are set but never met. Don’t fall into the trap of procrastination since this leads to apathy towards your goals that will hold you back for a long time. 

You need to be clear about your goals, how to achieve them, and the work that it will take to achieve these goals. Do what it takes to get motivated since this motivation will take you that much closer to your personal and professional goals.

Attitudes, Beliefs And Behavior Determine Goals

Attitudes, Beliefs And Behavior Determine Goals

There are three important elements for your personal and professional success: 

(1) the attitude that you have toward your personal and professional life, 

(2) the beliefs you model your personal and business life around, and 

(3) the behavior that you have towards yourself and others. 

 

These three elements are tightly connected and interwoven, and can either make or break the personal and professional confidence with which you set, and meet, your goals. Let’s break these three elements down even further.
• Attitudes: Attitudes are the ways that you react to situations, and to people, based on the assumptions and the beliefs that you have learned.
• Beliefs: Your beliefs are the conjectures that you make about yourself, other people, and situations. Your beliefs are based on what you think and how you think things are. Your beliefs will make you react the way that you do and cause your expectations to remain within a certain framework of thoughts.
• Behaviors: Your behavior is how you implement the attitudes that you have adopted towards situations and people.

When people positively change their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors they open the doors to new possibilities. Life success depends on the ability to change and be willing to learn new ways of thinking and doing things.

One of the techniques that successful people use to change their behavior is to model their personal and professional beliefs on someone in their field whom they admire and respect. Who is it that they admire and respect? When people find someone who is successful in a way that they themselves define success, they need to take a look at what these successful people are doing and how they are doing it.

Another thing that people should concentrate on is to ask themselves who they’re mixing with. If people find that they’re spending time with other people who wouldn’t be defined as successful then they need to start mixing with those people who do define success and are leading successful professional lives. This doesn’t mean that you leave behind those people in your life who have chosen poor goals. It only means that you start mixing with those people that have an attitude towards their life that is considered to be positive and winning.

What this means for you is that you encourage positive leadership and modeling in your life so that you are able to succeed and achieve the goals that you have set for yourself. Goals are personal to every individual so it’s up to you to set the bar when it comes to your attitude and determination

Determine Your Core Beliefs Before Setting Goals

Determine Your Core Beliefs Before Setting Goals

Before you can set any goals for yourself you need to have a base of core beliefs that you live by. And your core beliefs are based on the cause and effect of the things that happen to you in your life. The way you feel will always be determined by an action that created the feeling.

When it comes to goal setting you need to have a positive outlook on what is happening around you so that you can make good decisions for yourself. The basic underlying concept of core beliefs and goals is that if you’re not feeling and seeing the effects that you want to see you need to take a look at the reasons why. Once you make changes to the conditions that are causing you to fail to reach your goals you’ll start to see the results that you want to see. This means making changes to the conditions within yourself, and within your life, which are keeping you from moving forward.

You, as an individual, need to take responsibility for when you feel uninspired and negative. This also means that you have the power to change these conditions of cause and effect. You need to feel that you CAN reach your personal and professional goals. But what does the cause and effect of what happens in your life have to do with being successful and reaching your goals? The answer is simple: When you are aware of the cause and effect of your own personal beliefs and goals you are better able to manage how you lead your life. Understanding and believing that you can be successful on a personal level leads to the belief that you can reach all of the goals that you set for yourself.

One of the most important things that you can do to reach your personal and professional goals is to cultivate and nurture your own personal power. Personal power is one of the most incredible allies that you can have when it comes to achieving success. Personal power is all about believing in yourself, your accomplishments, and your ability to reach your goals. 

When people have this personal power they become confident and motivated to go after the things they want in life. Just think of the rewards that you will receive when you have a great sense of personal power: there are no limits when it comes to the goals that you can reach. One of the key aspects of personal power is the inner confidence to know that you can do anything you want to do. 

You can achieve the goals that you deserve because you have all the skills and techniques that you need to be successful. When you have personal power you have the assertiveness to do what’s best for you and your professional career. It’s this combination of confidence and assertiveness that is going to push you towards your goals and a help you achieve these goals.

Set Lifetime Goals

Set Lifetime Goals

One of the first things that you should think about when you’re setting personal goals is what specific things you want to accomplish in your lifetime. These lifetime goals will give you the perspective that you need to shape many of the decisions that you’ll be making in your life.

There are some specific areas of your life in which you’re going to want to set very determined goals. The following categories will help you to focus on certain aspects of your lifetime goals: 

• Mental attitude: Your mental attitude should be positive so that there are no negative thoughts or mindsets holding you back. Take a look at your behavior in certain situations and ask yourself if this was something that prevented you from reaching a specific goal.
• Your career: Depending on what career you want, there will be specific goals that you need to follow to make sure that you have all your credentials at the end of your schooling. Ask yourself what level it is that you want to reach in your career.
• Family: Setting family goals can be a bit more difficult than other goals because your decision will usually affect someone else as well. You’ll first need to decide if you want to be a parent and if you want the responsibilities that come with parenting.
• Financial: Determine how much you want to be making when you reach a certain age.
• Physical: Determine if there are any athletic goals that you want to reach. This can be as simple as staying in good health or as complicated as learning how to mountain climb. What will it take for you to reach this physical goal?
• Pleasure: Make a list of things that make you happy. Then make another list of steps that you can take to incorporate more of these pleasures into your life.

Once you have a list of the above categories clearly written down you’ll need to assign them with a priority number. Start with the number one priority and then start to implement changes in your life so that you can achieve this goal. Work down the list but keep in mind that you can change the priority of a category at any time. Your lifetime goals are the milestones that you want to reach for your own personal achievement. When you’re setting lifetime goals it’s important that you make decisions for yourself that are going to fit into the person you want to be. Perhaps the most important step when it comes to goal setting is to be firm in the lifetime goals categories that you feel are most important to you.

5 Steps That Reveal Your Life's Purpose

Like many of us, you might feel that there's a true purpose to your life but you haven't yet found or discovered it, especially when trapped within a life that's unfulfilling or feels out of synch with your true purpose for being. Teachings of Eastern mystics say each of us have a particular purpose in life, though we might not know how to recognize it. Interestingly, some new research suggests ways to discover and pursue your true purpose. Moreover, having a purpose in life is found to help you protect yourself from mental decline -- not a bad byproduct.

Some are awakened to it from an event or moment of illumination that opens the way. A recent example: Adam Steltzner, the NASA scientist who headed the team that designed and carried out the successful landing of the Mars rover, Curiosity. In an NPR interview Steltzner spoke of having played in a rock band after high school rather than going to college. While waiting for stardom, his friends went to college and on with their lives. On his way home from a gig one night he looked up and was suddenly fascinated with the stars, especially the constellation Orion.

"The fact that it was in a different place in the sky at night when I returned home from playing a gig ... That was it ... I was totally turned on by this idea of understanding my world," he said. He had to know all about the laws that govern the universe. Seltzner enrolled in a physics course, and over the next several years earned a Ph.D., which led to where he is today.

Most of us, though, have to work at discovering our purpose. Too often it's clouded over by our conditioning and adapting to life experiences and choices -- from family and culture to our educational and career paths and our relationships. We're so enraptured with our outer life -- or absorbed by it -- that awareness of our true purpose dims to just a flicker. Consequently, many go through life feeling off-track, out of tune in some way. That creates major stress over time, and new research finds that such stress will increase your risk of death from all sources.

Here are five steps that can help activate your life's purpose:

1. Back Off and Tune Inward

The 12th-century Japanese poet Hakuin wrote, "Not knowing how near the truth is, we seek it far away." Your purpose might be right in front of your eyes but you don't see it, like looking for your missing keys when they're right in front of you. Try backing off to a larger perspective, outside yourself. That can help you look inward more clearly. By tuning your focus inward rather than seeking your purpose from something new "out there," you're more likely to discover an inclination or leaning that's always been inside you.

That shift of perspective helps you to let go of the self-interest so prominent in our lives -- what we're always trying to get or control -- and that clears the way to reflect on your current life path with honesty. Does it feel in synch or clash with your inner life, your true self that lies beneath all that you've been conditioned to think, value, go after or believe in?

Further, ask yourself if your life serves something of value in itself, beyond what you hope to "get" from it, by way of "return." Are your energies in the service of creating something useful and good, per se? Or in the service seeking to capture a big "market share" from it? Actually, in business, the former aim tends to be more successful.

Two research studies suggest ways to give you the mental "space" to do the necessary self-reflection for this. One found that volunteer activity -- giving your time away (which also pulls you out of self-interest) -- creates a sense of "time affluence." It gives you an internal sense of having more time, rather than less.

Also, research finds that moments of "awe," experiences that lift you out of yourself and your everyday concerns, bring you more into the present moment, slow down your sense of time and increase your focus and calm. This provides greater opportunity to listen to your internal voice.

2. Learn From Your Choices and Their Consequences

Examine what the "successes" or "failures" over the course of your life tell you about where you've been in harmony with yourself or not. Your life experiences are lessons that can teach you what you've been trying to express or manifest through your outer life, and where parts of the latter may be an incorrect vehicle. The latter is often the meaning behind our life problems and frustrations. Brain research shows that reflecting on yourself generates more motivation and effective planning for the future. This not only helps you learn the meaning of your life experiences, but also supports you in letting go of a path that you realize isn't in synch with your true purpose.

3. Get on the Path

When you feel pulled towards some purpose more in synch with yourself, go after it with strong intent, whether it's something material or spiritual. There are different ways of life that fulfill one's purpose, for different people. But look for the feedback your actions provide. Over time, you'll learn from the feedback if it's the true path for you or not.

4. Stretch Yourself

Create momentum towards your emerging sense of purpose by pushing yourself to stretch toward it. Create a vision of what it would look like. Imagine it's like a powerful magnet that keeps pulling you along a path towards it. Identify what you can do each day that brings you closer. Having a vision has a powerful effect upon your consciousness, and leads to increased happiness with life. Trust what your heart tells you, especially when your mind tells you otherwise ("no, you can't go there; you can't do it; you won't be able to learn how").

5. Pursue It With Love

When going after your life purpose, think of yourself as the lover who simply gives love for its own sake and without regard for getting something in return, without asking to be loved back or seeking a "return on investment." Rather, pursue your purpose with love and sense of service to it, itself. The Sufi mystic Hazrat Inayat Khan, who brought his spiritual teachings of "Universal Sufism" to the West in the early 1900s, described this: "Once you have linked yourself with love, a flood of inspiration is revealed to you, whatever the subject, whatever the problem in life may be. Whatever it be that your eye casts its glance upon, it will disclose itself. Then you are on the real road, and what a joy this is!"

And, he emphasized, "As by the opening of the eyes you can see things, so by the opening of the heart you can understand things. As long as the heart is closed you cannot understand things. The secret is that when the ears and eyes of the heart are open, all planes of the world are open, all names are open, all secrets, all mysteries are unfolded."

The more you infuse your thoughts, emotions and behavior with life-affirming energy -- love, kindness, compassion, generosity, justice -- you keep your self-interest at bay, and you're more able to find and achieve your true purpose.

Douglas LaBier, Ph.D., a business psychologist and psychotherapist, is director of the Center for Progressive Development in Washington, D.C. You may contact him at dlabier@CenterProgressive.org. To learn more about him, click here.

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The Real Reason You're Not Living Your Dream Life (And It's Not Time or Money)

If you've read my work or heard me on the radio, you know that I'm crazy about inspiring people to live their dream life. I cringe when people tell me they're doing jobs they hate, or slugging through daily routines that drain their energy and make them miserable. I think you can make any life possible with the right mix of persistence and patience, and I can't wrap my head around even the thought of waking up every morning to a life that's not right for me.

It may be obvious to you that when I ask people who are not living their dream life why they're not living it, they offer up a slew of excuses. It's as though a laundry list of reasons roll off their tongues and out the door. Before I can reply, they've convinced themselves for the umpteenth time that that dream life is unrealistic, impractical, and totally far-fetched. It's the life reserved for their imagination -- not a reality that they have the power to create. Sound familiar?

Excuses are just excuses, though. They're not truths; they're only as real as you make them. They're artificial creations that mask the real fear and doubt lurking underneath your skin.

So to prevent the excuses from holding you back from your dream life for even one more day, I've compiled a list of the top excuses I've heard, and some ways you can bust through each.

When you're done with the list, you'll have nothing left but your dream, and hopefully a lot of refueled inspiration to go for it. You've got the power to make anything happen -- just put one foot in front of the other and take action.

Drumroll, please... the top seven excuses:

Excuse #1: I don't have the money. Consider how much money you actually need and find creative ways to get it. I'm going to guess that you you haven't even spent the time figuring out how much money you need to actualize this dream. Don't compromise down your dream before you even explore it.

Excuse #2: I don't have time. You can make time for the stuff that matters to you. You get to choose whether or not you prioritize your dreams. What are you doing that's a total time-waster? Do you spend three hours a day on Facebook or mindless moments in front of the TV? What can you accomplish more efficiently? What can you outsource to someone else? Rearrange your day and think outside the box. You'll find you have more time than you think.

Excuse #3: I've already started down one path; I can't change direction. Every day you make decisions about how you live your life. Give yourself permission to change direction -- no matter how much time, energy, or money you've already invested in another endeavor, relationship, or job. Life is all about twists and turns -- be open to a new direction.

Excuse #4: I'm too scared. It's natural to be scared of the activities that most excite you. Use fear to move you forward -- follow your fear, don't resist it. Push yourself so you can be proud of yourself.

Excuse #5: People will judge me if I fail. You're giving everybody too much power. Frankly, people care a lot less about what you're doing than you think. You're just a blip on their radar screen. Make the decisions that are right for you. The people who love and care about you will support you; the rest don't matter anyway.

Excuse #6: I'm not _____ enough. Not young enough, smart enough, or good enough? These are just limiting beliefs. Catch yourself when these doubts pop up, and find something positive and encouraging to say about yourself instead.

Excuse #7: I'm not ready yet. If you're waiting to be perfectly ready to pursue your dream, you'll never go for it. We all start one (shaky) step at a time. Don't wait for perfection to move forward, just do it.

Alexis Sclamberg is a personal development writer, speaker, and media personality. Called "the self-help voice of Gen Y," Alexis is at work on her first book, Borrowed Wisdom. She contributes to publications including Forbes.com and Cosmopolitan magazine, blogs for The Huffington Post, and writes an advice column. She makes regular appearances on local and national radio, including NPR. She is an honors graduate of the University of Pennsylvania Law School.

Connect with Alexis on Twitter and Facebook, and find more inspiration on her website.

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Using Kolb's Model To Set Goals

Using Kolb's Model To Set Goals

In 1984 a man by the name of David Kolb created a model based on the different ways that people learn. These learning styles have come to be known as “Kolb’s model” and are used today to determine the different ways in which certain personalities learn and absorb information. When you’re setting goals for yourself it can sometimes help to understand a bit more about the ways in which you, as an individual, learn.
Kolb believed that we learn by using four different styles of learning:
• Learning by doing, or by experimenting with something.
• Learning by watching and being conscious of the observing of something.
• Learning by feeling, or by actively experiencing something, and
• Learning by thinking and conceptualizing something.
These four styles of learning can be broken down even further by defining the type of “learner” a person is:
• The activist. This type of learner uses intuition and perception instead of reasoning to learn new things.
• The reflector. The reflector learns by watching and looking at the world from an entirely different perspective than other learners. These learners are highly imaginative and use this imagination to observe their own experiences.
• The theorist. This type of learner analyzes things logically and methodically. They look for a precise explanation of things as they are presented to them.
• The pragmatist. The pragmatist is a learner that uses the information they absorb in a practical way to further their knowledge. These types of learners are quick to get things done and are willing to take risks that other learners aren’t willing to take.
When you know what category of learning that you best fit into you’ll be able to determine what works best for you to achieve your goals. You’ll have a better understanding of how you absorb information and what you can do with this processed information as it applies to goals.
Keep in mind that Kolb’s model is just a sequence of learning theories and that many people will fall into more than one category when it comes to the way that they learn new things. As you start to set more goals for yourself you need to have a plan of how you are going to achieve these goals. Having goals is necessary but having the tools and the knowledge to reach these goals is just as important. After all, if you don’t know what works best for you when it comes how you learn and grow how will you know what perceptions to follow and make a reality?

The Case for Commitment

The Case for Commitment

One of the critical characteristics to anyone’s success is his or her commitment level. Commitment is defined as an obligation or pledge given in trust. Unfortunately, our society and world today seeks self-gratification; thus discomfort of any kind is a reason for breaking commitments.

In most TV shows, note how many commitments can be broken in just one hour -- from personal relationships, to business deals, to parents disappointing their children. Ultimately, the person who breaks the commitment pays the price with his or her reputation and credibility, both internally and externally.

The challenge of commitment levels applies to all of us. As I write this article, the process is being driven by my personal commitment to get it out on time. Normally, I really enjoy the creative writing experience, but I have just finished presenting for several 12 hour days. In addition, I have many other obligations and I’m feeling a bit tired. So what? I have a commitment to this article and its readers and my credibility is based on keeping it. I choose to follow through.

At this moment, recall a person or a business that did not keep a significant commitment to you. How did that make you feel? Did that experience generate feelings of loyalty, helpfulness, support, or praise? Certainly not!

Keeping commitments is also important in your personal life. Have you ever made a commitment to lose weight, stop smoking, start a business, or begin an exercise regime, then waned on your promise to yourself? When you break your commitments to yourself, it’s like a slow leak in a tire. Eventually the tire will go flat.

Commitment really does matter. In the book, Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap . . . and Others Don't, Jim Collins conducted five years of research on the most successful companies in America. What -- without exception -- was a core character trait of each business? Commitment, of course -- but not any garden-variety level of commitment. Those top companies move forward with a "we will continue UNTIL!" attitude. In the most successful companies, quitting is not an option.

Mankind’s most significant achievements reflect an unprecedented level of commitment, from the famous -- Edison’s 10,000 attempts to create the light bulb, Mandela’s lifetime of imprisonment before freedom came to the people of South Africa, and Walt Disney’s three bankruptcies prior to creating Mickey Mouse -- to the unsung heroes . . . a country doctor who saves his patient's life during a difficult operation or a commercial pilot who lands his plane safely in rough weather. The list goes on.

What level of commitment are you applying to your life -- the TV version of bailing when you find yourself slightly uncomfortable or the Good to Great concept of being committed UNTIL?

Action Steps

1. Remember that commitment is a discipline and a choice. Don’t blame circumstances for your commitment levels.
2. Rate your commitment level for each of the essential areas of your life -- family, social, business, financial, spiritual, and physical. Use a scale of 1 to 10 -- 10 being very committed. How would others rate you in each category on that same scale?
3. Commitment levels can be situational, meaning you can have high levels of commitment in some areas and lower levels in others. Record why you sometimes don’t follow through.
4. Commitment doesn't mean you should be blindly unchanging. Unhealthy, negative situations call for common sense. Don't stay committed to a choice that is life-threatening and destructive over the long term.
5. Envision how much better or different your life might be if your commitment levels were higher than they are today. Most individuals keep a commitment because of the results it will produce. To stay motivated and to follow through on your word, focus on the positive outcome.
6. If commitment has been a challenge for you, what has "going back on your word" cost you?
7. When you fail to keep your commitments, don't beat yourself up. There is no benefit in that. Instead, determine why and how you will keep your commitments in the future.
8. Choose someone you trust as an accountability and support partner. When elite athletes struggle with commitment, the coach is there to assist them.

Success Factors That You Need to Remember

Success Factors That You Need to Remember     

It’s pretty difficult to achieve goals that you wish to attain in life.  There will always be a huge set of hurdles to overcome.  These challenges may end up keeping you off track, making things even harder for you to reach your objectives.  Many people these days are so easily distracted by the burdens of life, they often end up not knowing how to go about with it.  They have all these dreams and aspirations, but they hardly do anything to make them a reality because of all the negativity that surrounds them.  If you’re someone who wishes to actually make it big and finally realize your own life’s ambitions, you will need several success factors to be incorporated in your mindset.  Below are some of these factors:
         
Perseverance – A lot of people may think perseverance is overrated, yet many of the most successful individuals in the world wouldn’t be able to be where they are at right now without it.  Everyone had to start somewhere, no matter how small the plan executed was.  It was because of their determination to reach the pinnacle of success that they stuck with their ideas, until they’ve finally made it to the big leagues.  People who often struggle with ordeals had to deal with a lot of suffering before they could ever rise back up again.  This is factor which can carry you through the harshest of times and help you acquire the results you need.
         
Desire – A lot of athletes win sporting events, simply because they have the desire to win.  It pushes them past their own limitations and they are charged with enough desire to win games.  This is something applicable to the business setting as well.  People who run businesses of their own desire to make it big, and their success is a result of that.   There would be challenges ahead of them, but it is their willingness to carry on with whatever they have that allows them to succeed with their goals.  This factor can help you find ways to achieve your ambitions with all the sacrifices that are necessary to do so.
         
Careful planning – This is one of many success factors which have led people to succeed in their ideas.  Everything must be well thought-of, and this involves having to discuss whatever plans you have for your business in intricate detail.  Not missing out on any corners and ensuring that all bases are covered proves essential to eliminating the possibility of unforeseen circumstances which may hinder you from reaching your goals.  With a lot of careful planning made, you can steer yourself towards the direction you’ve always wanted to take.

Self Improvement Tips

Self Improvement Tips

It sure is quite difficult to overcome certain challenges faced in life.  However, sometimes this is attributed to a person’s own flaws.  We simply cannot achieve the goals we’ve set out for ourselves simply because we don’t make any efforts to improve what needs improving.  Every person has a distinct personality of his own, yet these can also use some extra enhancing.  If you’re someone who wishes to take on life’s challenges and succeed with most, if not all, of them, then you will want to define who you really are as a person.  Once you’ve actually done this, you can then recognize certain aspects about you that may require improving.  If you’re looking for some self improvement tips to become the best person you can be, look below:

It is important to spare some time for your needs.  There are certain things you would like to be done, and you should ensure that there are no disruptions which can hinder you from doing so.  Of course, this can be somewhat difficult to adjust to in the beginning.  In fact, you may even find it pretty stressful to cope with everything that’s going on around you.  However, it is important that you actually dedicate time for yourself; since this can help you perform tasks properly and fulfill your personal obligations without much delay or problem.  Positivity is essential in order to make this work.

Another thing that you may want to remember is that, for every goal you have, always create a plan for them.  This could mean taking down important notes on how you can address certain situations, especially with the numerous solutions you may be faced with.  This gives you a clear picture of how to achieve your goals in life.  Coming up with a to-do list, along with a specific time frame in which you should have accomplished those goals strengthens your chances of actually fulfilling them.  You will also need to do a bit of self reflection.  Get to know yourself better as a person, since identifying your strengths and weaknesses is crucial to finally attaining all your ambitions in life.  Your attitudes and behaviors can determine just how far you will go with your aspirations, so make sure you incorporate a sense of determination, resourcefulness as well as smart decision making.

Think about the plans you’ve set for yourself and formulate the solutions as properly as possible.  This can be time consuming, yet this is necessary in order for you to know all the steps you must take so you can finally reach those goals you’ve set for yourself.  This, along with the other self improvement tips provided, can help you become better in so many ways.
                               
There are a lot of people in this world who would not want to admit that they too have their fair share of faults.  Human pride is something that is natural, it often becomes difficult for someone to actually realize that there is always room for improvement.  This is the only way in which one can truly become something far beyond who he is, and do things he thought he could never accomplish.  Most people would not want to admit that they need help, and would often refuse advice even when it is necessary.  If this is the case, it would be best to implement actual self improvement in order to be better in just about every facet of life. Below are some points which can help you become a better individual:
         
It is important for a person to actually define all the things about himself that actually require some improvement before any progress can take place.  There are many individuals who feel they are as perfect as they come, yet the truth is we all have certain traits which need improving.  This could either be being able to head off to work on or before time, continuing with the tasks assigned to us even if we don’t feel like doing them, or even just the basic communication of two people with each other.  Many areas in a person’s life require improvement, and admitting this can only take you a step further towards achieving bliss.
         
Tips on improving one’s self prove to be highly essential since these can help them realize which aspects of themselves they may be lacking in.  This applies perfectly, no pun intended, to the perfectionist who simply cannot see any faults within himself.  Once we accept that we, too, are guilty of making a few mistakes every now and then, we are simply overcoming our weaknesses even in the slightest manner.  The next step to take is to actually find out what is needed in order to play according to our strengths while keeping the weaknesses out of view.  Changing one’s self to be a much better person is always welcome, especially when no person on this planet is infallible.
         
Incorporating a self improvement program in your life certainly goes a long way to help address the weaknesses you may have and contain them deep inside so as to enhance the strengths you may possess. This would certainly allow you to be better in the things you do, and even be seen in a more positive light among your peers, relatives and friends.  So long as you realize that you’re only human and can stumble upon a few roadblocks which hinder you from becoming far more than what you’re capable of, you can simply be a better version of yourself.

Amazing Key Success Factors

Amazing Key Success Factors

For every person in this world, there’s at least one goal they would like to accomplish much to their satisfaction.  That goes without saying, every one of us have different goals we’d like to achieve.  Yet, because of the constant barrage of challenges that head our way, we often find ourselves struggling to finally attain all our dreams and aspirations. Yet, this is something that can be overcome.  Nothing is impossible, as the saying goes.  After all, when the Wright Brothers invented the first aircraft, we all believed that men could fly.  Or even man’s first trip to the moon.  That in itself was a defining moment which has led people to believe that anything can be achieved.  All it takes is a few key success factors which can help us walk towards the intended directions to further accomplish our own little goals in life.  Below are some of these factors:

Time management – This is a priority when it comes to just about everything we do in our lives, whether it’s for business reasons of for daily chores.  Considering that time is something precious, we simply cannot put it to a stop.  We have to make use of whatever time we have to actually fulfill our own needs and wants.  It is limited, which only makes it worth the effort to do as many things as possible despite those limitations.  It’s all a matter of perspective, and people saying that they have too little time on their hands need to realize that they can still do a lot of things with the time they’re allotted for their aspirations to be realized.
         
Self discipline – When we’re trying to accomplish certain objectives, we have to incorporate in our minds that we can get to those goals of ours so long as we actually do what is required.  This even means doing things even if we don’t feel like it.  Succumbing to laziness or lethargy is something which hinders us from fulfilling our goals in life.  We have to push ourselves hard and be motivated enough to go for the things we want, even with all the rough patches we will inevitably encounter in our lives.
         
Industriousness – A hard worker can simply achieve everything he wants, so long as he continues to be such.  This is one of the key success factors that actually help people attain all the goals and ambitions they have in life.  Putting a lot of effort into things can take you places, and great levels of success can be accomplished.  With a lot of hard work, one can simply expect a lot of relaxation and gratification in the end.

Goal Setting Tips For Improved Living

Goal Setting Tips For Improved Living

If you wish to make all your dreams come true, you would have to do all that’s possible to set your goals.  For successful goal setting, there are many things to be put into consideration.  Pursuing something you would consider rather important in your life means that you’ll have to do a lot of research and groundwork as to how you can successfully achieve every ambition you’ve set out for yourself.  Spending a whole lot of time on these things can give you with the necessary focus to guarantee some much awaited success in life.  Below are some essential goal setting tips you will want to look into to finally be able to realize all your aspirations:

It is important to be clear on what you wish to achieve.  Being vague as you set your goals will only confuse you as to what it is exactly that you want or need to accomplish.  Avoid being so abstract or imprecise, since this can only contribute to much time wasted on how to fully succeed.  A lot of time and effort will be wasted if you don’t specify your intentions.  It doesn’t matter whether you’re looking for success in love, career, finances, etc; you will want to keep in mind that being meticulous and detailed in your plans can go a long way to achieving them for good.

Be as realistic as possible when setting your goals.  When you’re someone who has many things to be accomplished, you will want to make sure that the things you have in mind are attainable.  Reality is the key element to consider here, so stop fantasizing about touching the sky or suddenly owning a wallet which generates endless amounts of money out of thin air.

Be as timely as possible.  Setting a proper schedule on how, when and where you’ll be attempting to achieve your goals makes it even more viable to attain some success.  Give yourself a time frame to follow.  If you’re hoping to lose a number of pounds, determine just how much time it will take for you to do that and work on it.  With deadlines being set, it helps avoid succumbing to laziness and giving you a sense of urgency in actually fulfilling your objectives.  Apart from that, it will keep you quite motivated to strive hard in achieving the success you’ve so long desired for your goals.
These are three essential tips that you will need to take into heart if you really wish to be successful in whatever plans you may have for yourself.  With the proper method of goal setting tips in tow, there’s practically no chance that you won’t achieve everything you’ve ever dreamed of.

Critical Success Factors

Critical Success Factor

If you’re someone who has a goal in mind, you would want to make sure that you’re on the right track in order to finally see things come to fruition.  You may have a plan which is pretty much a key to your success, and you’re motivated just enough to actually pull through with your goals.  However, as time goes by, the steam starts to dissipate into thin air, and soon enough you find yourself going off-course.  Therefore, if you really wish to finally achieve all your aspirations in life, you will need to incorporate a few critical success factors.  The factors provided below can help you obtain all that you’ve desired in life.

Believing in yourself.  There’s not much point in going after something if you don’t believe that you can do it.  Of course, many people would say that it’s pretty easy to have such strong beliefs in the beginning, simply because the focus is there.  However, this is something which should never be neglected.  Even with all the challenges posed upon you, the belief should stay strong and firm.  This helps you maintain your focus on the vision you’ve had for whatever objectives you wish to reach.  Sometimes you would have to make a mental note every now and then to remind yourself of what you can do and how you can do them,

Self-confidence.  Initially, because of all the excitement, you may have a huge amount of confidence in yourself.  Yet, many people have experienced their confidence levels waning in time due to the challenges they come across.  If this is something which may happen to you, always bear in mind that you once had the belief of reaching your intended goals.  Continue believing in what you can do, going as far as even writing down a list of the reasons why you felt like you could achieve anything you want.  There will always be obstacles to come across, yet these are only temporary, and your confidence in what you can do should help you overcome them all.

Remaining motivated.  It can be pretty difficult to maintain motivation for your objectives.  However, this is one of many critical success factors which can truly drive you to finally achieving everything you’ve always sought for yourself.  To be motivated, you simply have to be as optimistic as possible Find inspiration in the things you do, and accept the fact that your goal is as important as any other achievement you’ve made in your life.  Having this mindset can simply help you get through all the obstacles coming your way, and keep you going until you’ve finally attained your aims in life.

Determined to Succeed

Determined to Succeed

For some people, success comes naturally. For others, it is something that they really have to work hard for. Although people are created equal, there really are some people who might not get to succeed. If you want to have success, you would really need to be determined to succeed. Nothing is impossible in this world, so you should really try to find ways in order for you to get the success in life.

One of the first things that you need if you want to succeed in whatever you want to do is to have faith in yourself. If you believe in yourself, and your ambition is firm, you could really be on your way to success. Any trouble and hindrances on your efforts will just be nothing if you keep believing in yourself. Although some failures may be quite depressing, especially if it involves something that you want or need so badly, you should only see them as a lesson in life. Learn from them and try to move on with what you are doing. If you just suppress your failures with your confidence, you will find that what seemed impossible can be solved.

Another thing that you need to remember if you want to succeed is that you have to resolve that you will succeed. If you are determined to succeed, you will often get the results that you want. You should promise to yourself that you will become successful. You should always try to focus on the goal that you want, and not any other thing. Although there are many things in life that can divert your attention, you should always keep yourself resolute in order for you to really achieve success. If you are focused, you will have a much better chance of attaining the success that you need.

If you really want to succeed, you might also want to find ways that you could motivate yourself. There are many different books that you could read in order for you to find the success that you want. Aside from that, you could also try to find mentors that you could base your success on. This way, you will have a better idea on achieving what you want. You will really get to have the success that you want if you know the steps that you need to take in order to achieve it.

Success is something that most people can readily achieve. However, many people still find that it is hard to get success because of hindrances. However, success often boils down to your own determination. If you are determined to succeed, you would really get have what you want. You control your success, so you should really make it a point to tell yourself that you can succeed.

Is Guilt a Good Motivator?

I recently had one of those "ah-ha" moments as I was walking down the street mumbling to myself about what a terrible human I am for reacting in a way that I wish I hadn't. Feeling horrible and wanting relief, I was searching my mind for all the self-help guru suggestions while repeating a few positive affirmations meant to "redirect my energies" (you know the drill) when suddenly the simplest thought squeezed between the chem. trail of (spiritual-sounding but ultimately) judgments (that were suppose to prove I was a good person).

Has guilt ever lead me to being a better person? The answer was so clear.... NO, it actually hadn't. I felt a surge of relief. It was in that moment I had permission to stop feeling bad. My body immediately relaxed. What was feeling guilty really going to accomplish anyway? Isn't it just a backwards way of trying to prove I care?

Am I a happier person, a kinder mother, a more loving friend or a more compassionate companion due to guilt? Has guilt lead to creating a new me?

Okay, sure. I've probably made a few small shifts and well-meaning apologies but in truth, have I actually changed any undesirable aspects of myself due to guilt? Any changes I may have experienced were most definitely short-term. Any behaviors I have transformed were due to my desire to create something new and that desire was what motivated me, whereas guilt merely haunted me.

I can see where our society has inadvertently believed that guilt was good. That it has seemingly lead to actions that have in turn helped me believe I was in fact, an okay gal. But there's a difference between being motivated by guilt (taking actions that are usually short-term or that backfire) and learning from guilt (gaining self-knowledge that leads to new choices).

At its best, guilt can help me understand where I'd like to make changes. It provides clarity as to what is or is not working regarding certain behaviors (which at their core are just habits) I can then take that information and use it as the impetus to learn, speak and act in ways that are more in alignment to my true desires.

If guilt is my motivator, others will feel it. There's a good chance their responses to me will match my unconscious motivations. My daughter has been a great teacher in this area. When I do something because I want to make up for something I'm feeling guilty about, she's usually not too receptive. At best I get a grunt in return, but what usually occurs is she outright refuses my gesture, I feel hurt and react, and then guess what happens? Guilt wins again (nice repetitive pattern I've got going here)! She's not buying my guilt-based actions/words, often she refuses to let me "fix it" and why should she? Since they're all about bringing me relief... not her.

Guilt is lame as a motivator. Action derived from my desire to be more understanding and caring of her is quite different from decisions that are direct descendants of guilt. Guilt can show me something is "off," but that's the end of its usefulness.

Consider your guilt-induced actions and decide if you're demonstrating care or building some unhealthy cyclical pattern in your relationships?

When you're willing to listen and not speak from guilt, not react from guilt, not accept guilt, but come from a willingness to understand what the other person is feeling, your power to authentically care for the other person arises.

No one wants you to feel bad, really. What they want is your care. They want you to know they're hurting. You can only support them in understanding that there is pain there and your actions may have awakened it and your love and support can help them release it, whereas your guilt may only perpetuate a cycle of blame, guilt and temporary relief.

For more by Kimberly Berg, click here.

For more on emotional intelligence, click here.

 

Your Computer Needs Attention Too

Your Computer Needs Attention Too

With all of the pressure from environmental organizations on reducing waste, many have opted
to go paperless and store documents on their computers. By doing this there is less clutter
floating around your home and office. However, computers need to be organized as well. Simply
saving things in the hard drive will quickly use up space and slow down you computers
functions. Also, if you need to find something specific, you’ll find it may take you hours, by the
time you check through all of the existing saved documents.

If you have Microsoft word you have the ability to create files. If you have one computer in your
home then have a file for each member of the family. These files will eventually get full so at
various intervals through the year have a computer clear out. Tell everyone they have one week
to sort their files or everything will get dumped. This way, all of the things that you need will be
saved and the less important items can be discarded.

If you live on your own or want to clean up your work computer, folders can help with this as
well. Just create folders for certain sections of your life. Perhaps bills, appointments and so
forth. This way you can access tings easily without having to wade through years and years of
old documents. Learn to use your folders section. You will be amazed how quickly things
accumulate.

If you have a lot of things stored and genuinely need all of them, than consider getting some
back up computer disks. Even though you may need everything, some things will still be more
important than others. Keep the more important items saved on your computer and the others
on disks. This way you can keep computer space free and still keep everything. Make sure you
label your disks and keep a good filing system. This way you can still access what you need
quickly.

With the pressure to go paperless, many of us forget to keep our computers organized. You
need to keep on top of these things so you computer runs well and you can get to what you
need.

Who Is Driving Your Life?

Would you like to see less drama in your home, your workplace, or your relationships? When asked this question, no one says, "Stop! I love the rollercoaster of people's stuff. Give me more drama!" Most people just roll their eyes and say, "Oh my goodness, yes! I am so tired of it." That's why I think of "less drama" as my short answer when people ask me: "Why do we need spiritual intelligence?"
Have you found that there is a part of you that you are not so proud of -- that can be immature, defensive, and suspicious? I call this part our ego self. And have you observed that there is another part of you that may surprise you at times with its wisdom, compassion and centeredness? I call this the Higher Self. You might prefer to call it your spirit or soul or any of a hundred other synonyms. If you can just relate to this simple distinction of ego self and Higher Self, then you have taken the first step on the road to high SQ.
Our ego self is a crucial part of us. But until we learn to help it grow up it does tend to exaggerate all the daily threats of life. Think of it as a volatile 13-year-old, prone to slamming doors, getting into fights and gossiping. Spiritual intelligence, or SQ, allows us to shift from being driven by our fear-activated high-drama ego to being driven by our calmer, wiser Higher Self.
The complex question "What is ego?" will be explored and explained more in future posts. But this simple way of looking at our two selves can be extremely helpful in building SQ. At the heart of my approach to this process is one essential question: Who is driving my life? Who is in charge of my decisions? Am I letting my immature ego desires tell me who I should be, how I should act, and what I should strive for? Or is there a deeper, calmer Higher Self voice guiding my choices?
We can learn to observe when our inner voice is small, scared or defensive. This ego-self identifies with making us the victim of all those heartless bad people out there and makes itself the hero. "I had pure intentions but just LOOK at what that other person did to me!" When I engage in a blame-game I know I am coming from a frightened ego perspective.
The ego leaps to assumptions about other people's motives and tends to assume the worst. On the contrary, the Higher Self is more humble, honest, and objective. It acknowledges that it never (yes, never) has all the information. The Higher Self would say, "I really don't know WHY the other person just did that behavior... But I can imagine the pain or circumstances that might cause someone to do that." Higher Self remains open and curious, and from this place come better decisions.
Why does it matter if my immature ego self is driving my life? Won't I just be getting what I want out of life? My answer: I doubt it. At best, you will get short-term gratification. But in the long run, immature ego-behaviors leave you empty, unfulfilled.
Think about people you know. You may know someone who seems so wound up and easily triggered that everyone tiptoes around her. Or you may know someone who is always arguing with or attacking someone. It is as if she or he is only "happy" when outraged and full of adrenaline. Or you may know someone who just seems to go out of his or her way to be helpless and get rescued. And whether we like to admit it or not, in our most honest moments we know that there's a part of ourselves that sometimes is easily triggered, enjoys feeling self-righteous, or likes others to fix our problems. And coming back to drama -- where there is drama, you can be sure there are two or more triggered or immature egos interacting.
Why does this matter? In the workplace, egos can create tremendous loss of morale and productivity. The follow-on costs show up in poor employee retention, low customer service numbers, higher recruiting costs, and higher production costs. In our own lives, drama can steal our joy.
Fortunately we have another part of ourselves -- a "Higher Self" or most authentic self. It's the part of us that is unselfish, loving, and wise. I like to say that when I'm operating from my Higher Self, nothing I do would embarrass me if it were printed on the front page of the newspaper, because I would be operating, to the best of my understanding, from the intention to be a loving person in the world.
Once we can acknowledge, with compassion, that there are these different drives within each of us -- some that are more noble, kind and inspired, and others that tend toward pettiness, selfishness, and limitation -- then we can understand the basic practice of developing spiritual intelligence. The bottom line is that if you're going to be more spiritually intelligent, you need to act less from your ego and more from your Higher Self.
Here is the essence of what spiritual intelligence allows us to do: We can mature the ego, gently shift it out of the driver's seat, and allow our Higher Self to drive the car of our life. That's when the destination suddenly becomes clear, the process speeds up, and we develop at maximum pace. All the while, we are also at peace in the moment, knowing and trusting that the best part of ourselves is in charge, and therefore we are in the best place we could possibly be, right now.

'Failure' Is Not a Dirty Word

I teach all my life coaching clients to dare to dream, to be bold and go after what they really want in their lives. I'm not talking about having one or two dreams; I get clients to create dreams in all areas of their lives. Inevitably, there is one issue that arises when going after a dream: failure.
It's actually guaranteed that you will fail at some point while pursuing a dream in your life. But when you fail, will you misunderstand its lessons like most people usually do? Or will you relate powerfully to your failures? Most people are afraid of failure and never face it directly, thinking that admitting failure will prevent success. But it's critical to understand that experiencing failure is just as important as, and is usually a stepping-stone to achieving, success.
Failure is not a dirty word, except everyone has a dirty relationship with it. Failure is smart, brilliant and painful; that pain is honest. Most people do everything to avoid real pain, but this is a mistake, especially in failing.
The first thing you should do is admit defeat. Whether it's in your love life, how you handle money, your career, or relationships, there really is a point at which you should do yourself a favor and admit you've hit a wall. Stop trying to keep going or jumping to blame yourself or others for what isn't working. Blaming yourself is not the same as taking responsibility. Blaming yourself leads nowhere.
Next, I help my clients really see that they have landed facedown in a sloppy puddle and are stuck in a mess that needs to be figured out and cleaned up. Knowing this helps them develop a more powerful relationship to failure. I advise them to "tee-up" a good cry, in the context of facing it once and for all. In this stage, you're going to surrender, cry and then "get back on the horse" much smarter and stronger. It's important to feel whatever you're feeling so you can move through it, but you can't fake this part. Mourn so you can let it go and start to understand the failure. Once you throw out your white flag and admit you're sitting in a sloppy puddle, you're closer to success than you've probably been in a long time.
This is when you need to come to terms with the truth that you failed, and it's time to use hindsight to figure out what you would have done differently. Often people don't think they actually failed. Instead they blame other people and situations, never taking responsibility. "It's the economy." "He did it." "I didn't have enough time." And on and on. When you blame others, you can't see what exactly happened or the impact of your choices, and so you can't embrace the lesson you need to learn in order to later succeed. To see just how you failed, you must break it down honestly. How did you fail? What happened? What did you do wrong? What could you have done differently? Any honest regrets? In each failure, there's a reason why and it's usually a pattern in your life you must break. If you look back over your life, you'll see that you repeated many of the same mistakes over and over. It's because you never learned the lesson. Looking at the specifics of your failure and understanding what happened is the only way to learn the lesson and stop the pattern.

I've had clients who've been divorced several times who didn't do the right work to learn the right lesson. But when I got them to really look deeply at their broken marriages and tell the truth about what went wrong, they could see the mistakes they repeated and lessons they missed in all their marriages.
A former client recently called me, so upset that she had regained the 20 pounds she lost with me. She felt like a failure. When I asked her what she thought happened, she explained that a work project at her job had distracted her from taking care of herself. With a few more questions, she could see the real reason for the failure: She had changed her rules. Instead of having one "free" meal per week, she had decided free weekends every weekend. Once she understood the real "failure," she got the right lesson: Keep the rules that had you lose the weight. You may want to check your assessment of why you failed with someone who can smartly "sniff" your logic.

Once you know the lesson, it's time to put in rules so you don't make the same mistakes. Every failure demands different actions as soon as possible. Rules really do diminish the chance of future failures. Now if you fail again in the same way, just know that you didn't learn the right lesson the first time. Whatever rules you put in place were not the right ones. Make your next honest adjustment to your actions and move on, wiser and now closer this time to succeeding.

Learn to respect and study your past failures. They will provide you with a deeper level of understanding who you are and what you need to change in your life. From each failure, if you surrender to it, own it, find the lesson and change your actions, you will get closer to achieving what you really want.