Elevate the Conversation

If we believe we are here to improve the journey of our soul, we are charged with making the best choices to perpetually evolve to a higher good. We study, we go to therapy, we develop a spiritual practice and we try to do the right thing. The unfortunate part is that we are human.

We make mistakes, we get hooked by drama and forget that we know better and we may even get some pleasure from being a little wicked. Plus, let's face it, being conscious can be exhausting! It's so much easier to be a spiritual slouch!

More frustrating can be that slouch-hood can only last so long because you know better. With a pang of guilt and an urging from our soul, we snap back to attention and know we need to elevate the conversation -- the one in our own heads and the dialogue with others. We need to avoid the pitfalls and get back to "the path."

I am often in awe of people who can turn the most negative conversation toward the light. They are quite masterful in finding the high point to turn all the heads toward, without making anyone wrong or chastising anyone for their previous negative input. I can do that but I'm not always the one to remember to do it. I don't mind examining the underbelly of things. I find it fascinating and it only helps me understand how most people think. The mainstream is downstream. Most don't operate in the "elevation" upstream of things.

With that said, I'll gladly attempt to guide you to elevating a conversation. If your own head is feeding you dreck or if mean-spirited dishing sets in with others, follow these steps:

Catch it -- As soon as it starts, realize where things are headed and snap to attention.

Block and deflect -- Just as the savviest politicians do when faced with a negative accusation, deflect the question or comment. Say: " I don't know about that, but I do know _____ or I can say with confidence that _____."

Think solutions, not problems -- The quickest way out of any potentially downward conversation is to focus on a solution or positive instead of the problem, complaint or slanderous comment.

Skip three notches -- Here's the art: Like skipping three tracks on a CD, take the conversation (even if it's in your own head) somewhere entirely new, not even close to where it was headed or where it could take a turn down again.

Herd the stragglers -- Acknowledge anyone who is stuck in the negative or former conversation (even if it's you) and keep bringing them along. You might say something like: "I hear you AND we need 24 more votes to get where we want to be," or "It's been tough on everyone, but let's stick to the matter at hand," or "It's OK to take some time away from him/her, but let's try to have a good time tonight."

Before you know it, no one will remember (or they'll be too embarrassed to) the way the conversation was going before. You'll have successfully elevated the conversation. Will you get credit? No. But that's not the point. The point is to keep yourself on the path by not getting sucked into a conversation that would have been polluting to your soul.

Trash-talking can be fun sometimes, but like eating too much junk or drinking too much, there is a point of diminishing returns. If you buy the whole soul's journey and lifetimes incarnated for your soul to evolve, you'll want to avoid the pollution as much as possible. Elevate for good! I'll be right here, cheering you on and resisting temptation myself.

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Music and Memory

Music and Memory

Elderly people suffering from dementia were said to have better reasoning about their backgrounds and personal history when there was music playing in the clinical area than in silence, during an experiment conducted by Elizabeth Valentine, a psychologist at the University of London and co-author of new research on music and memory. Increasingly, music is accompanying traditional medical therapies to help people heal faster. Experts say music has the power to calm and to energize the spirit. The British researchers conducted a test on 23 people (ages 68 to 90) with mild dementia. The test was done with different sounds playing in the background. While asking the questions, the researchers either played: a familiar tune ( Winter, from Vivaldi's Four Seasons), novel music ( Hook, by Fitkin), or pre-recorded cafeteria noise - or asked the questions in stillness. Over four weeks, each person was tested in all four situations.

The participants answered more questions correctly with sound in the background rather than in silence, and they scored even better when music was playing. “Whether the music was familiar or new did not seem to matter. The music probably aroused the participants and helped them focus,” the researchers said.

Reduce Stress

Reduce Stress

Medical researches show that people who are always anxious produce “stress hormones” like cortisol, which damages brain cells. Make it a point to do something that will relax you everyday. Try meditating, yoga, drinking tea, taking a long bath … whatever works for you. A very effective method to reduce stress is deep breathing and visualizing the expected outcome of any situation to turn out well. Don’t forget to get enough rest. Poor memory is often a result of poor self-image. After all, it all starts and ends in the mind. So to have a healthy mind, believe that you can achieve anything you desire. Boost your self-esteem and be confident in your abilities. Your attitude should be supportive of your goals.

Cardiovascular exercises like walking improves blood circulation and are good for the heart and brain. Research also indicates that walking helps release hormones that aid in regenerating new brain cells. If you’re bored with just plain walking, engage into sports that you love. Play basketball, volleyball, tennis, or anything that excites you. By exercising, you can lessen your chances of developing high blood pressure which contributes to memory loss when you get older. So get up and get moving. Not only will you be getting a fit and healthy body, but you’ll also sharpen your memory and improve your creativity. Not to mention the fun and camaraderie you’ll be getting with your teammates and competitors.

Just like any muscle, you also need to exercise your brain so that it doesn’t deteriorate. Engage in games that will help you think. Talk to people, read informational books, listen to educational tapes, and make it a habit to continuously learn and experience new things. Remember that when your neurons die, they don’t come back to life anymore. So you better use them, or you’ll lose them. If you feel that your memory really isn’t how it used to be, go and see a physician. Sometimes, memory loss can be a symptom of more serious diseases and can go undetected for years because you don’t really feel anything else other than memory loss.

You Are What You Eat

It is often said that your brain is probably the greediest organ in your body, and it requires a very specific type of nutrition from your diet. It shouldn’t be surprising then that your diet affects how your brain performs, and it performs well with a steady supply of glucose. Before you go out of your house in the morning, it would be great if you can give your brain the fuel it needs by eating a hearty breakfast. A salad packed full of antioxidants, including beta-carotene and vitamins C and E, should also help keep your brain in tip-top condition by helping to reduce damaging free radicals (damaging molecules). As you grow older, your brain has lesser capacity to defend itself from daily threats like free radicals, inflammation, and oxidation. That’s why aging people need more nutrition than younger ones.

Free radicals are like cavities to your teeth; they slowly build up if they’re not cleaned out. As the brain cells grow older, they sometimes stop communicating with each other. As an effect, it slows down essential processes like thinking, short-term memory retrieval, and regenerating new cells. Therefore, anti-oxidants are essential to maintain not only good health, but a good memory as well. Good sources of anti-oxidants are:

• Vitamin A and beta-carotene: Carrots, spinach, cantaloupe, winter squash
• Vitamin C: Citrus fruits, broccoli, strawberries, tomatoes

• Scientific research also indicates that eating fish can indeed sharpen your memory. Most fish fat contains the polyunsaturated fatty acid DHA, which performs a significant part in the brain development of young children. Tests show that kids who consume adequate foods containing DHA score better on IQ tests than those who take lesser amounts of DHA. Fish also contains omega-3 fatty acids which opens up new communication centers in the brain’s neurons. This allows your mind to operate at its peak performance. Vitamin E: Nuts, seeds, vegetable oil, wheat germ Studies show that fatty food that causes artheosclerosis (clogging of arteries) are also the same type of food that disrupts neural activities. Cut back on the fat and replace it with foods rich in anti-oxidants. Nothing will replace a well-balanced meal, but to make sure that your body doesn’t lack any of its nutritional needs, it would be a good idea to take food supplements. As the name implies, they’re supplements, and not replacements.

Another significant finding suggests that smoking can affect the ability of the brain to process information properly. Chain smokers have higher risks of impairing their visual and verbal memories. So the next time you think of smoking, remember that it’s not only dangerous to your health, but you are sacrificing your memory functions as well. Caffeine and alcohol causes anxiety and nervousness. This may hamper information from properly entering your mind because memory works best when you are relaxed and focused.

Sharp Memory Factors

Sharp Memory Factors

If someone was to read a list of words to you, it’s most unlikely that you will remember all the words in the list. You’ll be able to recall most of the words at the beginning, some at the middle, and a few at the end. These effects are known as primacy (words at the beginning) and recency (words at the end). The only way that a normal person can effectively recall all of the words in the list, is if he applies a mnemonic technique to help him remember. You’ll also find that it’s easier to recall a word if it’s repeated several times in the list, or if it’s related to the other words in any way, or if it stands out among the other words (for example, the word “ruby” will stand out from a list of vegetables).

To take advantage of your primacy and recency, you must find a middle ground. If you are doing something that requires a lot of thinking and you do this non-stop for hours, you’ll find that the dip in the recall between the primacy and recency can be quite considerable.

If, on the other hand, you stop to take breaks too often, your brain will not really reach its primacy because it keeps on getting interrupted. In a more practical application, instead of continuously studying or working for hours, you might want to try pausing and resting after 30-50 minutes of working, just to give your brain time to refresh itself and to maximize the time when your primacy and recency are balanced.
Contrary to popular belief, being smart is not synonymous to having a good memory or good retention. You don’t have to force yourself to study and understand more in order to improve your memory; the key is actually in your lifestyle, your attitude, your diet, and your habits.

'How Can I Make Others Hear and Understand Me?'

Do you believe that if you just figure out the "right" thing to say to your partner or others, then he or she will finally understand and change?

Have you ever thought to yourself, "If I had just said the 'right' thing, THEN things would have been different"?

I thought this for years regarding all the important people in my life -- primarily my parents, my husband and my children. I would explain and defend, trying to find the exact right words so they would hear me and understand me, believing that if only they really understood, then they would be caring with me. Then they would stop doing the things that were hurtful to me.

At that time, many years ago, what I didn't understand was this: If they were not open to hearing and understanding, then no matter what I said or how perfectly I said it, it would make no difference at all. I didn't understand that their intention toward me was often to control me with their blame and judgment, and my intention toward them was to control them with my explanations and defensiveness.

Today, I had a phone session with Phillip, who recently broke up with Helena, his girlfriend of six months, because he felt controlled by her attacks and demands on him. She was not happy about this and wanted to discuss it with him. However, when he told her he felt attacked and demanded of, she attacked him for his feelings and demanded more information -- and he immediately went into explaining and defending, which was addictive behavior for him. He was very aware of how she was trying to control him, but not at all aware of how he was trying to control her.

When I pointed this out to him, his response was, "But maybe if she understands, she will stop attacking me."

"Phillip, did she give any indication at all that she was interested in understanding? Were her questions interrogating attacks, or were they genuine inquiries?"

"Well, I felt interrogated."

"So what made you believe that she was interested in hearing you and understanding you?"

"I guess I was just hoping."

"How did you feel when she started to interrogate you?"

"I felt tense."

"And you've learned to explain and defend as a way to manage your tension?"

"Yes. I always did that as child with my parents."

"If you had accepted that she was not open to hearing you, what would you have done?"

"I would have not continued the conversation."

"Right. But you didn't want to accept that you are helpless over whether she is open or closed, so you tried to have control over getting her to open."

"Yes. That's what I've always done. That's exactly what I did in my marriage that led to divorce. And now I'm doing the same thing again."

"Right, Phillip -- and I'm so glad you are seeing this. When you shift your intent from controlling others to loving yourself and taking responsibility for your own feelings, then you will start to respond totally differently. Is this something you want to practice?"

"Yes!"

Accepting our lack of control over how others see and treat us is a major challenge for many people. It's important to realize that others often treat us the way we treat ourselves. If we ignore our own feelings, not taking loving care of ourselves, then others are likely to ignore our feelings as well. This is what was happening with Phillip. When he ignored the tension he felt when Helena attacked and interrogated him, the message he gave her was that his feelings and needs didn't matter.

One of the major skills we all need to develop to create successful, loving relationships is to stay tuned in to intent. Are we open to learning or are we closed and trying to control? Is the other open to learning or are they closed and trying to control? We have to accept the fact that we will not be heard and understood by someone who is caught up in the intent to control us, rather than hearing and understanding us. And we have to accept our helplessness over others' intent.

You will save yourself much heartache when you learn to compassionately hear and understand yourself, rather than trying to have control over getting someone else to hear and understand you.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a relationship expert, best-selling author, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process, recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette, and featured on Oprah. To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" - the first two weeks are free!

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Dealing With Paper And Interruptions

Getting Organized: Dealing With Paper And Interruptions

Daily, almost hourly it seems we get battered with messaged and demands on bits of paper. if that isn’t bad enough, the phone is constantly going off forcing you to stop and re-start tasks.

How are you expected to get things done with all of these forces working against you? In this

article we will look at ways to keep the interruptions to a minimum while you try to sort your life out. Most of us get something in the mail nearly everyday. If it isn’t junk, it is bills or other things that need our attention.

The highly organized person will check through their mail everyday and tackle those things immediately. Most of us just stuff it all in the drawer and wish it would go away. Something you can try is to get a small wicker or plastic basket. Make a deal with yourself. Put all of your mail in this small container and leave it. However, there are 2 conditions.

The mail must still be visible and once the container is full you need to go through everything

and tackle what needs to be done. This is effective for a few reasons. It does force you to look at your mail on a fairly regular basis. It also keeps it in a safe location so it is not cluttering up your house or office. Finally, keeping it visible will remind you it is there so it doesn’t fall into the out of sight out of mind trap.

How many times have you set aside time to do things only to be interrupted by a constant barrage of phone calls. The more times you have to stop and re-start a task the less likely it will get done. The best thing to do is set aside some time to return phone calls. If the phone keeps ringing, let it ring. Let your answering machine do its job. If you like you can even put a message for callers stating you are otherwise engaged and will return calls at this time.

It is important not to let outside forces stop you from getting your tasks done. The more times you have to restart the less likely you will finish. By keeping the mail in a safe place and setting aside time to return phone calls, you can devote your time where you need to, getting your life sorted out.