Jumat, 15 Februari 2013
The Sunday Brunch
On Sunday morning, it has become the custom for the "Ladd Clan" to gather for brunch at a local restaurant along Corydon Avenue.
I am a Dad to three adult children from two marriages; sons Chris and Aedan, daughter Marnie, and son-in-law Jon. This is my immediate family.
I came up with the idea of a brunch a little more than a year ago as a way to bring my children together on a regular basis to help build a stronger bond between them and to give me an opportunity to spend more time with my kids.
How I initially approached them with this idea was to say that I would be having breakfast every Sunday and would really enjoy it if they would join me. No pressure, just an invitation to regularly spend some of what I hoped would be quality time together as a family. And that was it. Every Sunday since, you will find us all together (except on very rare occasions) enjoying both brunch and each other's company, and catching up on each others lives.
It's really quite a dynamic group. It ramps up even more, especially when friends show up for the fun. There is always lively discussion and good natured kidding going on with lots of laughs. Occasionally arguments break out and we work them through. Often advice is given and willingly received. Each of my kids is unique in their own way and the blend of personalities is fun to watch.
Me, well, I mostly sit back and just enjoy the warmth and comfort of my family together. As I watch them interacting, I can also see the love that passes between them and I know that as time passes the bond between them grows stronger and stronger and will remain so after I am gone. Not a bad legacy!
A bonus and spin-off that often comes out of these gatherings is that on many occasions the kids continue on with other activities together and they even sometimes include the old man.
Life's Passages
There are always those times in our lives (stages along life's continuum, significant life events) when we find ourselves asking if what we are spending most of our time on, makes any sense in the larger scheme of things. In other words, is where we are pouring our time and energy congruent with what we value and really serving our true needs?
In answering these questions experience has taught me that invariably family will enter into this discussion.
It would be my guess that if you were to line up a group of people, say between the ages of 30 and 50, and ask them who or what are the five most important things in their life, they would include family on that list. If you were to then ask the same group where on that list they would put family, they would likely say at or near the top. Finally, if you were to ask them if they were giving enough time and energy to their families, most would likely tell you "NO".
If you're one of those people, why do you suppose you have this disconnect?
Well, if you are interested in answering these questions, you begin with clearly identifying what it is you value most, followed up by determining what your particular needs are, as opposed to your wants. Once you have completed this, you then can determine whether or not you are currently living according to those values and working toward meeting those needs.
Whatever course corrections need to be made coming out of these exercises can now be made with the reassurance that the direction set will be congruent with your authentic self.
Hotwired
I have had occasion to move through these exercises a number of times over the years, most often because of significant life events and, interestingly upon reflection, because it just seems to be because of the way I am "hotwired."
The most significant of life events for me to date had to be the double lung transplant I received back in August of 2003, plus the four years surrounding that event, which essentially involved surviving and then recovering. A life event of that magnitude would be more than likely to get any person thinking about the larger scheme of things and I certainly did that, at all levels.
During that process, when I realized, some two years into my recovery, that I was actually going to live and that my life could continue, I began to think strategically, in a way that I had never done before as you might well imagine, about what my life should look like for however long I might live post-transplant (going on 10 years now).
In order to answer the questions I posed earlier and stated, one has to first have a pretty clear idea of what it is they value and just what it is they need. Once this was completed, I needed to then examine whether or not I was living according to the values and needs I had identified. For the most part, I realized that my values had not really changed, but rather intensified, as a result of my near death and recovery experience. However what I did realize was that my needs had significantly shifted and changed over the intervening years. Once I identified this, I was then able to put this awareness into setting and achieving meaningful goals that were congruent with my authentic self.
Among the goals I set for myself at that time were three particularly important ones ---
• to spend as much time as possible with my kids,
• to write a personal mission statement,
and
• to become a Life Coach
Since 2005 I have worked as a Life Coach and enjoyed every minute of that experience. In the process, I hope that I have been able to help and support a number of individuals along the way --- something I value very much.
As far as the kids go, well, that work -- or should I say labour of love ---continues, and the Sunday brunch is an important piece of that ongoing process. Of course, it is always a challenge because the kids are a moving target as it were, with lives of their own outside of their relationship with Dad. And naturally, that is as it should be. So our brunches are about trying to integrate a big part of my life with theirs.
How About YOU?
Remember what I said earlier about stages along life's continuum and significant life events? They can provide life affirming opportunities to reflect on what footprint you wish to leave in the world, if you are paying attention and if you value the idea of being authentic with yourself in the world.
Is family at or near the top of your values list? Do you have a Sunday Brunch booked or some other meaningful activity scheduled with your family on a regular basis?
The unfortunate observation, difficult to argue with, is that when you stop for a moment and look around you, you see a whole bunch of people, perhaps including yourself, seemingly, frantically, running around -- running to work, running to meetings, running through lunch, to the bank, to the mall, to the gym, racing to daycare, running home to take off to football, soccer, hockey, gymnastics, and finally, running to keep up or ahead of everyone else.
Most problematic is that when you stop to take a breath, you notice that you are RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO IT RIGHT, WHEN WILL YOU HAVE TIME TO DO IT OVER ~ John Wooden
College Preparation: How to Stand Out in the Crowd
Just having a stellar GPA and a great high school activity list isn't enough to ensure success in college these days. In order to gain admission to top tier colleges and universities, kids can really shine by broadening their horizons outside of campus.
Many prestigious organizations offer summer internships for high school students, giving them an added dimension to classroom learning and an edge over those who opted to stay home and lifeguard or babysit. Not that those are bad choices, they are just not as competitive if one is aiming high.
The United Nations offers internships around the globe, focusing on UNICEF, Climate Change, and any number of current global issues. Not only does it look good on paper, it really gives a global perspective to kids that have not been out of the United States.
The Smithsonian also offers valuable internships related to numerous aspects of disciplines like history, science and art. Students 16 and older are assigned a summer project and perform valuable work toward that end.
Julliard offers summer programs in music and dance for high school students. While not an internship, the programs further young careers in the performing arts through some of the most accomplished artists in the world, giving kids not only some great skills, but also a good frame of reference.
Museum of Modern Art (MOMA) also does internships focusing on painting, sculpture, and even accounting. However, if one is really into the numbers of business, a Wall St. internship might prove more valuable. Companies all along the first street of finance offer very competitive internships for select high school students. It helps to know someone, so be prepared to network.
Many colleges offer summer programs for high school students with emphasis in a wide variety of disciplines. Those interested in the sciences can get a peek at what various medical careers hold for them through summer at Johns Hopkins, Stanford, Georgetown, and many other top schools. Students interested in engineering can tap their genius at MIT, University of Michigan, or Carnegie Mellon.
American University's National Student Leadership Conference gives students an inside look at the operations around Capitol Hill, the Supreme Court, and the Smithsonian. The weeklong, residential program teaches skills related to team management, ethics, goal setting, and public speaking, and provides a huge advantage to those students focused on serving in public office.
Microsoft, Facebook, and many other computer-related organizations hold internship programs throughout the summer for a select group of students that show promise in the areas of IT, computer design, marketing, advertising, finance, and all things related to the business of running a business. Being fluent in a second language is also a big advantage, as many companies do business overseas and need translators.
Getting an internship or enrolling in one of the programs at the many prestigious colleges offering high school students an opportunity to meet other students with the same passions and interests builds bonds that last a lifetime. Additionally, students begin to see how the world works, from what to wear to how to make it through a five-course dinner. Yes, these internships and programs are competitive, and not everyone gets the opportunity to participate. Remember, however, you don't get what you don't ask for, so get out and ask.
4 Ways to Become a Grateful Gladiator
You are focused on what you don't have and what is going wrong. I know there is a difference between where you are and where you think you need to be. The difference may seem insurmountable. The consequences may be terrible. The whole situation may be overwhelming. You feel like you are losing the fight. Let's not think about that right now. No, I'm not asking you to wish away the reality of your situation. I'm not asking you to launch into denial about how serious your problem really is. Even right where you are, here are 4 ways to solve that problem like you are your own personal gladiator.
1. Stop Your Overwhelm
Even in the middle of your circumstances, there is a reason to be thankful. Before you make a decision, count your blessings. While you are in overwhelm, remind yourself of the things that bring you joy. Don't worry about being in overwhelm, just focus on the reasons you have for thankfulness. I'm not being theoretical. What are they? Think about them. Speak them. List them. Spend some time and energy remembering the things that we all naturally forget. What is going right? What is one great thing that has happened even while these terrible problems were brewing? Name another great thing. And another. And another. Oooh, you just thought of another one before I could ask. Keep going. Thankfulness interrupts overwhelm.
If you don't see anything great at first, that's okay. It's okay as long as you don't give up. Sit with it until you think of something. It might be small. It might seem inconsequential. It might be unrelated. It might be shallow or vein or silly. It still matters. Count it. Make your list.
2. Your Problems into Perspective
Training yourself to see the good helps to put your problems into perspective. You have seen this happen when a reporter interviews someone immediately after a tragedy, a natural disaster, some unexpected devastation. As they stand with the ruins of this person's life framed in the background, the reporter asks something like "how do you feel", or "what are you thinking right now?"
Tell me that it doesn't move you to hear the person share the reasons they have to be thankful even as the ashes smoke around their feet. They say, we escaped with our lives; or this was something we should not have survived and we are blessed. Even though we've lost everything we have, I have my life and I'm thankful for that. Sometimes you hear wonderful stories of thanks for heroism or assistance from a total stranger that came to their aid. Often you hear, we don't know what comes next but we are faithfully taking one day at a time. Even thought your issue may feel like the end of the world, put your problems back into perspective.
3. Invite Your Most Powerful Purposeful Self to Show Up
Don't you want your best Self doing the heavy lifting for you in this moment? That Self is your own personal "gladiator in a suit" on speed dial. The fastest way to call up your inner gladiator is with gratitude. Gratitude is one of the fastest ways to shift you into who you are when you are at your best. Gratitude invites that most powerful purposeful Self to show up and make decisions on your behalf.
Why is gratitude such an incredibly powerful feeling? Gratitude puts you in the right frame of mind to see the next step to take. If you can come from a place of gratitude, you are not coming from a space of fear and anger. Gratitude changes the type of options you see and the options you think about. Your gratitude summons your courage and strength to stick with it another day. Gratitude generates the clarity you needed to step away from something or someone that is no longer serving you. Gratitude gives you peace to feel calm and certain of your next move even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else.
4. Ask yourself, "What Do I Have?"
Now that you have stopped your overwhelm; shifted your perspective; and invited your most powerful purposeful self to show up, let's talk about that issue again. No. No, we are not going back to that hyperventilation and panic. We are problem solving. I didn't ask you what you don't have. Focus on what you have.
Choose to feel grateful even as you acknowledge that you may not have what you want. See where you do have enough. Choose to appreciate the many ways that you have enough. Focus on the abundance and the goodness that exists even in this situation. Appreciate what you already have and all you are learning. Appreciate your determination to handle this the right way. Recognize where things are being taken care of. Appreciate they way you are solving your problems and see how your gratitude gives you the energy to walk away from that battle with a big win.
Become the Person Who Can Move Mountains Part 3
We all possess important qualities within us. Some people know what their qualities are, and can access them at any time. For others, they have not discovered what they are. We all have the capabilities within us to succeed. Why is it that some people succeed while others don't? What makes us so different? What is lacking? Here are some tips to help you become the person who can move mountains by using the tools that you already have.
Knowledge is power, and having a well thought out plan. Regardless if you are looking for personal or professional growth, you have to take time and devote it to learning. Expanding your mind is a wonderful thing however; you will need to go deep within your mind to find out what direction you want your life to go. If you are looking for happiness, you cannot find it doing the same old things, try new things. Taking that much needed time to become knowledgeable in the path you choose is priceless. Learn the reasons and the benefits of each decision you make.
If you are looking for professional growth you will need to learn how to network. If you are not sure how to do this you have a couple of options; take a class, or hire someone to teach you, or they can network for you. Having a knowledgeable team and actively participating in networking and social media is essential for the growth of your company.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Do you have a career, or perhaps own your own business? Whichever you decide; pay close attention to every detail. When following your career path it is important to get the required education needed for that particular field. The more information you gather, the more prepared you will be. If you want to own a business, do your research first. What product are you selling? Who are your customers? What are your customer's demographics? Who are your competitors? Are they making a profit? Every department within your company is vital to your company's success. You might want to take a course to see what's new in that particular industry. Again, pay attention to every detail.
You can learn so much from your relationships with your parents, friends, co-workers, partners, etc. Your relationships have taught you; trust, compassion, loss, understanding, and love. In those relationships others have learned from you as well. Become knowledgeable in your decisions regarding your relationships, ask yourself important questions. Is this person good for me? What is his/her past? Do his/her actions go along with their words? Is this person controlling or manipulative? If you are not sure about something, search your soul to find the answer. Talk to your family and friends, they can help.
When you have knowledge, it doesn't have to be shown or spoken. It is up to you to share your experiences, and knowledge with others or you can just bask in knowing.
Rabu, 13 Februari 2013
Put an End to Complaining by Squashing Negative Thoughts
Those who spend a great deal of time complaining do a lot of negative thinking. Both complaining and thinking negative thoughts feed off of each other.
When you voice complaints, you're validating negative thoughts. When you don't believe in yourself you are effectively making your life more difficult. You're putting obstacles in your path before you've even begun.
It is time to put an end to complaining by squashing negative thoughts. It all begins with understanding that eliminating a pattern of negative thoughts and complaints can be rewarding.
The truth of the matter is that any extreme emotion and any expression of such emotion can be addictive and can feed each other. However, you don't have to remain under that control.
Learn to recognize negative thoughts. Be patient with yourself as you work through negative thoughts. Reason with yourself about whether such thoughts will enhance or detract from your quality of life.
A Formula to Conquer Negative Thinking
Be firm about personal development - You need to be decisive. Either you want to get rid of the negativity in your life or you don't, although I would think you would. Nonetheless, work on it steadily and address it when it comes up.
Negativity is easy and comfortable for you, but a life without it will make those around you and yourself much happier and your life much easier.
Always be on the alert for negative thoughts - At first you may only catch them when you find yourself complaining. Analyze how you got to the point of complaint. The sooner you catch the negative thoughts, the more capable you become in your effort to stop complaining.
Be a problem solver - You don't need to judge the type of person you are. You need to instead judge what it will take to change your negative thoughts.
Your mind can switch between thoughts quickly, but it can only process them one at a time. If you set your mind on a positive path, it cannot go negative without making a switch.
Making a conscious effort to stay on the right path is important in the early going, but the whole process of thinking in positive terms can become a habit after several weeks of concentrated effort.
Be Responsible for Your Thoughts
There is a misconception that you cannot control your thoughts. This only happens when you choose not to make the effort. If you want to overcome negativity in order to stop complaining, you need only to learn how to recognize when you're off course and to re-apply positive thoughts.
You are in control of this process. This is why it is often, correctly said that you are the one who decides whether you will be happy or not.
You must decide whether or not you want to live a life of circumstantial complaints or a full life of your own choosing. The first step is to stop negativity.
In order to achieve this for the long run, you must stop complaining. One cannot exist for long without the other. Take responsibility, eliminate complaining by squashing negative thoughts.
What You Think About, Matters!
"Wow-aren't you lucky!" "You're kidding me, how did that happen?" This is the response I've gotten from lots of my friends and family, when I told them I'd be going to Florence, Italy for a week (without my husband and two sons).
I have a friend who travels to Italy every year for 6-7 weeks and she has invited me to join her a time or two before. For whatever reason, it never worked out, because I felt for me, it was too hard to figure out how to leave my family, business, etc and run off to Italy. (Read that last line closely, I felt it was too hard, impossible, really).
But the last few years, I've been doing a lot of work on my belief system, which some people refer to as mindset. One of the exercises I did last year, was to create a mind movie, which is a visualization tool using pictures and affirmations set to music to help you manifest the life and business you desire. (You can search mind movies on You Tube, to see some great examples of mind movies people have created)
You then watch your mind movie once or twice a day, so the images, music and affirmations that support the life you are creating for yourself, are always top of mind. It's the same theory as listening to motivational tapes and speakers, or frequently reading affirmations.
In my mind movie, I had placed quite a few pictures of the places I wanted to see around the world, including a beautiful picture from a terrace in Italy. And for nearly a year, I watched my mind movie everyday, sometimes twice a day.
When you see a picture over and over and over, it can really get into your subconscious, or your belief system. So this summer, when my friend asked me again to join her in Italy, I felt it was totally possible for me to take advantage of the opportunity. And things just fell into place, my husband encouraged me, I easily found childcare for my children, I easily found someone to help me book my flights, using my points from a credit card-it all became possible.
So, I don't believe it was by luck, or by chance that this opportunity came; I believe that through the visualization of what I really wanted for myself, I was ready when the opportunity came again.
Your thoughts do matter. What you think about, what you believe, what you put in your brain, ALL matter!
What are you thinking about? Will you be ready when the opportunity presents itself?
What Can Health and Wellness Coaching Do For You?
If you are like many individuals, there is something about your fitness level that you would like to improve? Perhaps you would like to lose weight? Gain strength? Eat more healthful foods? Control a medical condition, such as diabetes? The truth is, when we exercise and eat healthy we feel our best, and this positively influences all aspects of our lives. With a healthy body and mind we feel we can take on the world!
It is often the case that we set health goals for ourselves but have difficulty in reaching them. Perhaps we need help in developing plans of action to achieve these goals. Or we need to reach deep inside ourselves to unearth the true motivators that will inspire us obtain our desire outcomes. Maybe we are unsure of what our health and fitness goals are and we need assistance in creating goals that resonate with us.
A Health and Wellness Coach is a certified coach who works with you to assist you in accomplishing your goals. Through insightful questioning, a coach helps you to create your vision and develop the steps you need to achieve that vision.
A Health and Wellness Coach will:
1. Meet with you weekly (by phone or in person) to partner with you to help you reach on your goals
2. Help you refine your vision of the healthy life that you desire
3. Brainstorm with you to break down your goals into achievable steps
4. Assist you in removing obstacles that get in the way of reaching your goals
5. Support you in finding ways to be accountable to your goals
6. Cheer you on in achieving your dreams!
Benefits of working with a Health and Wellness Coach:
1. Coaching can help motivate you and keep you on track in reaching your goals.
2. A Health and Wellness coach believes that you have the answers inside of you and will empower you to self-discovery.
3. A Health and Wellness Coach is never judgmental and believes wholeheartedly in your ability to reach your goals.
4. Most coaching is done over the phone. This is both convenient and a great-time saver. It means that you are not bound by a physical location!
5. A coach does not tell you what to do. A coach assists you in creating your own goals. This means that the goals you create are doable and geared towards your lifestyle.
6. A COACH IS YOUR PARTNER IN SUCCESS!
How to Control Emotions - Build Personal Strength
Can a person control their emotions? What can you really control? Happiness for everyone! We are obsessed with control these days. Every company, institution, agenda, and family member wants to have some sort of control over us, and we want it over them. We want our opinions to be heard and our needs to be met. We want the control. Why do we want this control? If we are in control we are happy. Everyone is.
How do we know if we have the control?
What does it really mean to have control? How do we really have influence? Can controlling another person ever give me control? NO. To spell this out more plainly, I cannot ever have control by attempting to control another person. The only control I can ever have is over myself.
Leonardo DaVinci once observed:
"You will never have a greater or lesser dominion than that over yourself. The delight of a man's success is gauged by his self-mastery: The depth of his failure by his self abandonment. He who cannot establish dominion over himself will have no dominion over others."
Learning self-control
Years ago I was introduced to DaVinci's philosophy by my father. My three brothers knew how to get a rise out of me in almost every situation. They were the perfect teasers. They had complete control over my emotions and I knew it. It was so hard to handle.
One day when I was tattling on my brother for teasing my father looked at me and calmly, almost like a special secret said, "You know Nicholeen they only tease you because it works." His voice got a bit lower as he said, "If you choose not to be affected by their teasing then they won't have any more fun and they will stop."
I was AMAZED! I really was. Was it that easy to get control of myself again? Could I really just make a choice to control my emotions and control a whole situation? WOW!
My father could have handled this situation very differently. He could have gone to my brothers and made them stop. He could have controlled them because they were controlling me, but he knew there was a higher principle and that I could understand it and do it. I never had problems with people teasing me after that. It just wasn't fun for anyone to tease me because I was completely unaffected. I chose my own responses.
Can people push your "buttons?"
People around the world have emailed me with the same question after my episode of The World's Strictest Parents, produced by the BBC, aired. The question usually goes something like this, "Your son said you don't have any buttons which other people can push. How is that possible? How can I get rid of my buttons too?"
DaVinci answered this question above. You can't control another person without first controlling yourself. My good friend Ernest Justesen said, "The greatest battles of life are fought out daily in the silent chambers of the soul... a victory in a man's heart is worth a thousand on the battlefield of life... The crown of character is self-control."
Once a person chooses to win the battle against their own emotions then they have won the greatest victory of all. And, once a person wins that victory they have the power of influence in any situation. Don't all adults need this power of influence? When should the power be learned? Learning self-control should happen as soon as possible. I was a young girl when my father taught me where my real power was and how to use it. We can teach our children the same.
I believe that each person can effectively learn how to govern their own thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. Self-government is being able to determine the cause and effect of any given situation, and possessing a knowledge of your own behaviors so that you can control them.
In order to asses your own behaviors and emotions and change them for the better it is essential to understand cause and effect. I am sure you have noticed grown adults who don't understand cause and effect well. These adults are the ones who yell to get their way, and ignore people to get their points across. I don't want my children to turn out like either of the adults above, so at our house we regularly analyze our emotions and discuss the best ways to communicate as a family.
Control is a Gift
Being able to control our own thoughts, actions and emotions is a divine gift. It is called agency. We get to choose our own emotions in every situation. We can't always choose every situation, but can always choose how we will respond to each situation we are in. This kind of control is the greatest gift we have.
However, just as we have the control over our own lives and growth, we can also give it away. Control cannot be taken. It has to be given.
I remember hearing a story years ago about a United States soldier who was captive in a Vietnam War camp. He was tortured and neglected. He experienced the most humble and humiliating situations but he was joyful. He related that his captors could control his surroundings and how he was treated but he knew they could never control him. He knew he controlled his own thoughts. They could never take that away from him. He could remain happy and positive if he chose to. Nothing was bad enough to lose his self-control over. A person can physically control another person by force, but still emotional and spiritual control cannot be touched. It has to be given away. The soldier mentioned above could have given his happiness to his captors but he chose not to.
Mind Over Matter
My fifth grade teacher taught me the same lesson the soldier learned above about self-discipline by running with us. We would run one and a half miles each day; rain or shine. It was hard and we didn't like it most of the time, but my teacher would do it with us in his dress clothes even. He would run past us and gently say, "Mind over matter, mind over matter." Thank you Mr. Whiting! I was listening. Not only did I learn I could run any distance I set me mind to and think myself though any problem or pain, like childbirth and chronic back pains, I learned that my mind could win any physical situation I found myself in.
Learning a new language
Sometimes learning self-control means learning a new language for communication. The way I speak in parenting or confrontation situations is always the same. I have planned it and practiced it. At first it was difficult to teach myself a new language but I would never change now.
Looking to the future
We can only control one thing, our own thoughts and emotions. Trying to control anyone else will always be a power struggle. If we focus on controlling ourselves and having the spirit of calmness with us each day will be able to share the secrets of self-control we learn with our children too so that they are not captive by the emotional control of others either. We want success for our children and success comes much easier to those who know they are responsible for controlling themselves.
Releasing Toxic Energies From Within You
When we have taken the time to work through and process all the negative and toxic energies around us and release them into the Universe with love, you will see how much your life will open up. Having unhealthy people in our lives will weigh us down, stop our creativity and dull our passion. If you are feeling overwhelmed and weighted down, take a look around you and see what kind of people do you have in your life. Are they motivating, encouraging, welcoming abundance and moving forward in their life? If not, then they are weighing you down. Do you know that having unhealthy people in your life can make you put on weight? Yes, you are carrying the weight of all the negativity that surrounded you.
Once you release all those negative energies, watch the weight melts off of you. See your life opening up to endless abundance and possibilities. Look how much freer your Mind, Heart and Soul becomes. Soon you will be skipping down the Highway of Life.
NO ONE deserves to be unhappy forever. I refuse to wear sackcloth and ashes forever to my dying days. There comes a point where I forgive myself for everything that I have done in my life, instances where I engaged in something "unholy" because of my then emotional state. There comes a time when I stop pointing fingers at others and blame them for making me unhappy. I work through my pain and release all bitterness in me. I refuse to wallow in self-pity and self-flagellation forever just to make someone else happy. I do not put my happiness into the hands of others. There comes a time when I stop feeling bad and start dancing and moving to the beat of my life. Have I caused pain to others? I'm sure I have, but it still comes down to this - I'm not going to beat up myself forever and stay sad, downtrodden walking around with a halo of thorns on my head and ripped robe. Sorry, I'm not going to offer myself as a sacrifice. You, Me, Each and Every one of us is responsible for our own individual happiness.
When someone hurts you deeply it is human nature to want them to fix things and make you feel better. While it is understandable, you are setting up yourself for more pain and hurt. You are giving that person your power. They are not your parents. It is up to you to take care of your own happiness because if you constantly look to someone else to make you feel better you will become co-dependent. Your happiness is now tied up into that person.
However, when you take control of your own feelings and emotions it does not matter what the other person does or doesn't do. And because you are no longer attached and dependent on them you can decide whether to stay or leave. Instead of being a child who is dependent on their parents for their emotional well-being, become an Adult, become Whole in Yourself and be responsible for your own emotional self and emotional health.
Nothing Ever Happens to You - Things Happen Because of You
You are all involved in influencing the outcomes you see in your world, whether you believe you are or not. From the moment you wake up every day you are influencing or at least trying to influence the people around you, to conform to meet your needs and expectations. You use many different guiles, to influence people to do things the way you want them done. Whether it be a request from you to your spouse to make you a cup of coffee in the morning, whilst they are busy making one for themselves, or you making a cup of coffee for them, so that they will warm to you in the morning etc. You are continually involved in some form of influence or other throughout your day.
The more skilled you are at influencing people to support you to enjoy any outcome, which is favourable to you, the better the quality of life you will lead. Remember the way your life turns out five years from now, will not be as a result of the things that happened to you, but rather, they will be a result of the things that happened because of you. Commit 100 % to your future and believe in yourself and you can begin to mould any future you desire.
Positive Influence
Yes it is possible to manipulate the people around you, so that you always get your way. The challenge with this is that it is never sustainable in the long term. You cannot manipulate people in a one-sided fashion, where there is no fair exchange and expect the relationship to be sustainable. On the other hand, when you are always focused on encouraging a positive outcome with the people around you, as you attempt to influence any situation, where you are always looking for ways to be of service and you always ensure there is a level of fair exchange. You will over time build trust with people and any relationship will be sustainable.
Success is a Result of What you do for people, not to them
The level of success you will enjoy in your life or business is directly proportional to your commitment towards helping people get what they want. For example if you are in sales, prospecting becomes simple and building trust and connection with your prospects is a cinch, when you are authentically committed to helping people solve challenges or satisfy needs. When you are in a modality of always looking for ways to be of service to people, they will feel your genuineness and commitment and see your desire to always provide them with the best solution. Rather than feeling pressurised to engage with you in a single one sided transaction, they will want to build a long term mutually beneficial relationship with you.
As Zig Zigler so aptly said, "You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want". Your commitment to always be of service and to ensure that there is always a level of fair exchange between you and the people around you will ensure that you develop an understanding of their needs and will allow you to ensure that your product or service is exactly what they need.
Listen Twice as Much as you Speak
If you truly want to be of service to the people around you or to your customers, it is crucial that you master the art of listening. If you are busy thinking about what you are going to say next, instead of truly listening, when the people around you or your customers are speaking, you will miss the most crucial part of what they are trying to tell you. This means that you will be unable to connect with them or understand their real needs. You need to really listen to what people are saying, because it is not always their words that will reveal their need, it is often understanding their perceptions or interpreting hidden meanings, which will reveal their true needs and desires.
You can never interpret the deeper meaning, within any conversation, if you are self-centred and thinking about what you are going to say next. If you want to become someone who can positively influence situations, where they are mutually beneficial to both parties, then you must slow down, focus and pay sincere attention, when other people are speaking. Once you master the art of listening, you will have mastered the art of positive influence.
Don't Deny, But Overcome The Negatives
Having a positive attitude does not mean that you live your life with rose - colored glasses, denying that there is anything wrong. It also does not mean that you have to be an apologist for the ways things are, and the way things are being done. Rather, being positive means seeing things as they are, but taking actions in a proactive, timely manner, to transform adversities into opportunities. It is not being negative to see that things are functioning in a less than optimal manner and to say that something is wrong or askew, or could be done better. It is only being negative when your attitude and actions are less than constructive in nature, and all you do is dwell on the negatives without taking actions to change things, and to improve the situation.
1. For over thirty years, I have professionally trained and consulted to over a thousand people either on a leadership path or in positions of leadership. During that same time, I have given many hundreds of seminars, training programs, etc., on topics related to self - improvement. I have observed that, at many times, individuals overcompensate for negative tendencies by accusing anyone who disagrees with the masses or the leaders' positions, of being negative. In fact, negativity has very little to do with agreement or disagreement, and even less to do with conformity and accepting things as they are. Only if one's automatic reaction is that something cannot be done, or if the attitude is one of looking for what's wrong, rather than evaluating ideas in terms of the bigger picture, is it being and acting negative. Both great leadership, as well as self - improvement, demands that one question everything, while maintaining an open mind. While it is negative to reject something out of hand, or because that's not the way it's done, or it's not the way one personally believes and feels, it is always constructive to examine everything to come up with ways to improve and do things better.
2. While a positive can - do attitude is perhaps one of the most essential ingredients to personal success, being positive is a state of mind, and an approach to life, not simply espousing certain positive phrases or rhetoric. Being positive never means blindly agreeing or refusing to question. Doing that is both dangerous and irresponsible. Positive people are those that look for ways to get things done, and do so, rather than being negative, and approaching challenges or obstacles from the point of view that it is impossible.
Most people who have not succeeded will tell you that it wasn't their fault, but rather that the task was impossible, unrealistic, or couldn't be done. However, those that actually succeed find ways to make the difficult possible, and understand that something is only impossible until it is done successfully!
Selasa, 12 Februari 2013
What Age Is Old Age?
As an amateur sociologist and image consultant, this question intrigues me especially as anti-aging is a massive world-wide movement and a billion dollar industry.
In the magazine that came with my local paper, it was quoted that 40 is the age we no longer consider ourselves young. The same small item said that many people believe that 59 is the start of old age. A survey of American baby boomers that was quoted in Super Brain by Deepak Chopra & Rudolph E Tanzi, indicated that they believed that old age begins at 85.
My friend, Gail, kept telling her mother that she was not old until she reached 90. A number of years ago I read that old is anyone 10 years older than you although as we get older, I think that the gap widens to 20 or even 30 years older than you. Lastly there are those attempting to defy old age through plastic surgery.
40, 59, 85, 90 or never! When does old age begin?
From my personal observations, some people act old at a young age and never change and some stay young-at-heart until their final breath.
Does a rose ever think - Help! My petals are turning brown and sagging! Was that a petal that just fell off? No! I do not want to get old! It accepts the natural cycle of being a rose.
The difference is that we humans can think about aging and worry, fret and panic about what might or might not happen. I hear these words so often - getting old is terrible. Sometimes they use much stronger words that those.
I much prefer the sentiment that getting old is not for wimps. Becoming a grumpy old woman and associating with grumpy old men is not on my agenda. I am treating old age as a new adventure. That is why I love learning new things, teaching them to others and creating my own baby boomer business. This age is full of so many interesting possibilities that you can tap into and connect with like-minded people all around the world.
Some people grow their limited and depressing view of life while others expand their fascination with living.
When will you say - I am now in old age?
For me, I shall admit my body is old when it reaches 90 but I shall be laughing, learning and dressing modern my way til my very last breath on this planet.
How Life Coaches Can Learn From the Movie The King's Speech
I'm a big fan of using movies and their prevalent themes to demonstrate valuable lessons we can integrate into our own lives. The King's Speech is one I refer to often. This remarkable movie stars Geoffrey Rush (Shine, Quills) as Lionel Logue, Helena Bonham Carter (Alice in Wonderland, Great Expectations) as Queen Elizabeth II, and Colin Firth (Pride and Prejudice, Love Actually) as Albert, "Bertie", the Duke of York, the stammering noble who would come to stir the confidence of a war-torn nation as King George VI.
Plan First, Then Take Action
When the Duke of York arrives at Lionel's office for the first time, he is greeted by a young boy - another of Lionel's clients - who struggles endearingly through a rehearsed greeting. We see the Duke is obviously moved by this, though he remains silent as the young lad works his way to the final word. Those of us who have witnessed how sweet and tender the Duke is with his own daughters have to wonder if he is thinking of his children, or his own childhood.
Whether this brief exchange is intentionally staged for the sake of the Duke, or simply another exercise with one of his clients, is unknown to the viewer, but Lionel immediately sets the tone for the potential success he can experience if he chooses to work with yet another expert. After all, when that young boy started with Lionel he couldn't speak a word. Watching Lionel confidently demonstrate the sort of success the Duke can expect, without being boastful or obvious, is a thing of beauty.
Boosting Confidence Requires Confidence
Doubts are bound to happen, for client and coach alike, and we see this happen to Lionel as well. The pressure seems sometimes insurmountable as Lionel comes to realize the great man "Bertie" could become if he ascends to the throne. Yet Lionel remains attentive to the needs of his client first, as a human struggling to exorcise a lifetime of hurt, not as the would-be king who could stir a Nation with his voice.
The lesson to take away from this is Lionel never gives up, and more importantly, never doubts the chance for the Duke's success. Lionel knows that Bertie can overcome his challenges because he's worked with others who have been equally bad off, or worse. Each individual moves at their own pace, remain attentive to the journey and have faith you can reach the destination.
6 Coaching Insights to Glean From The King's Speech
· Set a level playing field- Lionel sets the tone straight away by insisting that meetings take place in his office, and they call one another by familiar first names, no matter how lofty the title or protocol which might demand otherwise. Lionel's simple comment of "my castle, my rules" demonstrates Bertie will need to step outside his comfort zone to achieve success. When an imbalance of power exists between a coach and client it's difficult to achieve the necessary environment of comfort and peace.
· There's no "I" in Team - Bertie's supportive wife played an equally invaluable role in Bertie's coaching as Lionel's sometimes-whacky methods of training. Though Lionel doesn't reveal the identity of his client to his family, we see that Lionel enjoys his own support circle as well Lionel is committed to Bertie's success, and works intensively with him, but not at the risk of his own need to grounded, objective, and centered. A good coach recognizes that a strong support system equals a springboard to success and invites these trusted people to be involved in the journey.
· Be Human - No matter one's levels of degrees, birthright, or status, at the end of the day we are all just people trying to do our best. Lionel and Bertie established a long working relationship built upon mutual trust and acceptance, something which was established early on when Lionel insisted they not only meet in his shabby office, but they also address one another on a first name basis. Even though your clients will seek you out as a source of strength and guidance, it's important to relate on a level of one person to another, no more, no less.
· Learn From Experience- Nothing worth having ever comes easy. Lionel's thirty years of experience was the very thing Bertie needed when riddled with the sorts of doubts and flares of temper which are natural to all healing experiences. When most novice coaches would cut and run in the face of verbal abuse and heightened emotion, Lionel provides a blend of tough love and unflappable calm, the likes of which can only come from years of working with others.
· Be Flexible and Innovative - Lionel's methods of working are kooky, even counter to the suggestions of Bertie's physician (smoking relaxes the larynx - ha!), but he approaches each task with the comfortable ease of one who knows his stuff. A great coach recognizes that not every client is the same and what works for one may not work for another.
· Take the Risk of an All or Nothing Approach -Perhaps what makes Lionel so admirable is the way in which he engages fully with Bertie. While most individuals in Bertie's environment bow and supplicate to the Duke in some fashion, Lionel speaks to him as an equal, in sometimes brutally direct terms. The sort of trust required for this sort of difficult communication can only be built over time, through being completely open and authentic.
There is No Substitute for Hard Work
In the course of just a few hours we witness Bertie's transformation from the stammering Duke Albert, to the poised and eloquent King George VI. The truth of the matter is Lionel and Bertie worked together for a decade before delivering the speech upon which this wonderful movie is based. They also continued to work together as coach and friends for many years after. We often hear that people enter our lives for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. Though your clients seek you for a reason, and may only last a season, be ready to work with them for a lifetime.
What Is Emotional Fitness?
In the dating and seduction community there is a concept that nobody actually talks about and that is emotional fitness. Emotional fitness is a person's ability to deal with challenges that life presents in an optimistic approach. It's the ability to be in control of your actions and choices and having inner strength to be all that you can be. A person who is emotionally fit is able to stay calm when their hot buttons are pushed. A guy who is emotionally fit is able to stay cool and calm when a girl responds in a way he did not expect.
Ways to Develop Emotional Fitness
Do exercises at least 10 minutes every day- Physiology could be the cause of the many emotions you might be having at the moment.Exercising before you start your day will stimulate your metabolism and helps you think clearly. Exercising also helps get rid of negative emotions to help you stay positive and energetic throughout the day
Avoid sitting the whole day-Sitting all day long could lead to the buildup of negative emotions. Stand up, stretch or take a walk to help clear your mind of any negative feeling. Negative feelings build up when you are sitting more than when you are out and about.
Another simple yet effective way to ensure you develop emotional fitness is breathing deeply and taking enough water. Breathing deeply will help you calm down if you are in an anger fit. Breathe in and count up to five before you react to a situation.This will help you be in control of the situation rather than responding without thinking and regretting later. Ensure you do a few deep breathing exercises for your well-being throughout the day. Drinking enough water will remove toxins from the body for the normal functioning of the body. Not taking enough water will make you cranky and will diverge you from being emotional fit.
Say out loud the things you are grateful for. This will help take your focus from negative emotions and self talk. When you are truly grateful for everything good that you have achieved in your life, it's hard to be upset as being aware of great things that you have achieved will give you positive feelings. There are many things you could be grateful for from being able to see and admire what nature has to offer to having a good family or parents that care and love you. We all have different things that we are grateful for and it's up to you to choose the ones you want to recite and focus on.
Most of the time and when you can, only talk to people who are positive emotionally often. Emotions are transmittable and it's not easy to stay positive and strong-minded in difficult times when the people who are around you are angry, resentful or scared. If you can avoid negative people and stay around positive people.
Emotional fitness should not be underestimated, it's often disregarded, but it affects all aspects of your life.