Addicted to Facebook? NLP Tips for Cutting Back on Social Media

Recently I got a message from a student asking what techniques I would suggest for helping people limit their time on Facebook. Specifically, this student requested suggestions for NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) techniques that could help.

I have to admit, when it first came along, I wasn't a big fan of Facebook. Then I started to see it works. I was holding an NLP workshop in San Jose and a woman told me, "I am so glad you posted on your updates you were coming to San Jose -- that's how I knew to come."

Around the same time, I received an email from a student saying she was having trouble with marketing and attracting people to come to her trainings. I was pondering what I could do to assist her when I got a private message from her through Facebook. She sent me a "golden potato" from the online game FarmVille.

I turned to one of our trainers and asked her, "What is this FarmVille thing?" She told me how it works. You sit there on Facebook and press the space bar over and over again, like one of those rats in a maze that hits a button and a little pellet comes out. "What does this do for you?" I asked. She responded, "Nothing. You can become a grand master farmer and have golden radishes and whatnot."

I felt a little frustration. I was wondering, "Why is this student emailing me saying she is having trouble with her marketing when she is sitting there -- tap, tap, tap -- trying to make a radish turn from red to gold?" I mean, who cares if you are a grand master farmer in FarmVille? Who cares if you win at Mafia Wars? Who cares how many friends you have on Facebook?

There are more important questions you should be asking yourself, like what is your purpose for being here? Have you let go of the baggage that is preventing you from doing what you are meant to be doing so you can have what you want to have?

From a psychological perspective, some people use things like Facebook to escape from reality -- the reality of having to deal with their stuff. Maybe they fear they might fail. So rather than even trying, they spend their energy to become a grand master so they feel like they have accomplished something.

If you feel like you are spending too much time on Facebook or other social media, try changing your perspective. You have to look at social media for what it is meant to be. Facebook is for social networking, to keep in contact with your friends, and to post what you are doing. If it is taking away from some other area of your life, you have several options.

First, you can make a change. Let go of the baggage -- let go of the anger, the sadness, the fear, the guilt that is holding you back. Get in touch with your purpose. Why you are here? What are you meant to be doing? Who are you meant to be? And begin to do the things that fulfill your purpose.

Second, you can use specific NLP techniques, such as the chain of anchors, procrastination to motivation, or a submodality belief change in what you do with your time.

Finally, consider this: If you are living your purpose, you have been practicing these techniques, and you are able to get the results you want, maybe you just have to choose to do something different with your time rather than spending it harvesting digital potatoes.

You may be saying, "How do I do that?" Maybe you have already done a lot of change work. Maybe the answer is not another technique you do or another thing you release. Maybe it is just time for you to remember who you are, what you are meant to be doing, and get up and do that, plain and simple.

Here's an example from my life: I don't always want to work out every day. There are some days when I would rather just stay in bed, being lazy. But usually I get up and work out. Maybe "get up and work out" is an anchor I use. Maybe I have just done it so many times it has become an anchor. Who knows?

I do know this: We are what we repeatedly do. Therefore, excellence is not a chance. Excellence is a habit that you form. Begin to make a shift on the physical level, because an ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.

Aloha!
Matthew

Matthew B. James, MA, Ph.D., is president of Kona University and its training and seminar division The Empowerment Partnership, where he serves as a master trainer of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), a practical behavioral technology for helping people achieve their desired results in life. His book, The Foundation of Huna: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Times, details forgiveness and meditation techniques used in Hawaii for hundreds of years. He carries on the lineage of one of the last practicing kahuna of mental health and wellbeing. To reach Dr. James, please contact him via his Facebook fan page or his blog.

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The Real Reason You're Not Living Your Dream Life (And It's Not Time or Money)

If you've read my work or heard me on the radio, you know that I'm crazy about inspiring people to live their dream life. I cringe when people tell me they're doing jobs they hate, or slugging through daily routines that drain their energy and make them miserable. I think you can make any life possible with the right mix of persistence and patience, and I can't wrap my head around even the thought of waking up every morning to a life that's not right for me.

It may be obvious to you that when I ask people who are not living their dream life why they're not living it, they offer up a slew of excuses. It's as though a laundry list of reasons roll off their tongues and out the door. Before I can reply, they've convinced themselves for the umpteenth time that that dream life is unrealistic, impractical, and totally far-fetched. It's the life reserved for their imagination -- not a reality that they have the power to create. Sound familiar?

Excuses are just excuses, though. They're not truths; they're only as real as you make them. They're artificial creations that mask the real fear and doubt lurking underneath your skin.

So to prevent the excuses from holding you back from your dream life for even one more day, I've compiled a list of the top excuses I've heard, and some ways you can bust through each.

When you're done with the list, you'll have nothing left but your dream, and hopefully a lot of refueled inspiration to go for it. You've got the power to make anything happen -- just put one foot in front of the other and take action.

Drumroll, please... the top seven excuses:

Excuse #1: I don't have the money. Consider how much money you actually need and find creative ways to get it. I'm going to guess that you you haven't even spent the time figuring out how much money you need to actualize this dream. Don't compromise down your dream before you even explore it.

Excuse #2: I don't have time. You can make time for the stuff that matters to you. You get to choose whether or not you prioritize your dreams. What are you doing that's a total time-waster? Do you spend three hours a day on Facebook or mindless moments in front of the TV? What can you accomplish more efficiently? What can you outsource to someone else? Rearrange your day and think outside the box. You'll find you have more time than you think.

Excuse #3: I've already started down one path; I can't change direction. Every day you make decisions about how you live your life. Give yourself permission to change direction -- no matter how much time, energy, or money you've already invested in another endeavor, relationship, or job. Life is all about twists and turns -- be open to a new direction.

Excuse #4: I'm too scared. It's natural to be scared of the activities that most excite you. Use fear to move you forward -- follow your fear, don't resist it. Push yourself so you can be proud of yourself.

Excuse #5: People will judge me if I fail. You're giving everybody too much power. Frankly, people care a lot less about what you're doing than you think. You're just a blip on their radar screen. Make the decisions that are right for you. The people who love and care about you will support you; the rest don't matter anyway.

Excuse #6: I'm not _____ enough. Not young enough, smart enough, or good enough? These are just limiting beliefs. Catch yourself when these doubts pop up, and find something positive and encouraging to say about yourself instead.

Excuse #7: I'm not ready yet. If you're waiting to be perfectly ready to pursue your dream, you'll never go for it. We all start one (shaky) step at a time. Don't wait for perfection to move forward, just do it.

Alexis Sclamberg is a personal development writer, speaker, and media personality. Called "the self-help voice of Gen Y," Alexis is at work on her first book, Borrowed Wisdom. She contributes to publications including Forbes.com and Cosmopolitan magazine, blogs for The Huffington Post, and writes an advice column. She makes regular appearances on local and national radio, including NPR. She is an honors graduate of the University of Pennsylvania Law School.

Connect with Alexis on Twitter and Facebook, and find more inspiration on her website.

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Who Is Driving Your Life?

Would you like to see less drama in your home, your workplace, or your relationships? When asked this question, no one says, "Stop! I love the rollercoaster of people's stuff. Give me more drama!" Most people just roll their eyes and say, "Oh my goodness, yes! I am so tired of it." That's why I think of "less drama" as my short answer when people ask me: "Why do we need spiritual intelligence?"
Have you found that there is a part of you that you are not so proud of -- that can be immature, defensive, and suspicious? I call this part our ego self. And have you observed that there is another part of you that may surprise you at times with its wisdom, compassion and centeredness? I call this the Higher Self. You might prefer to call it your spirit or soul or any of a hundred other synonyms. If you can just relate to this simple distinction of ego self and Higher Self, then you have taken the first step on the road to high SQ.
Our ego self is a crucial part of us. But until we learn to help it grow up it does tend to exaggerate all the daily threats of life. Think of it as a volatile 13-year-old, prone to slamming doors, getting into fights and gossiping. Spiritual intelligence, or SQ, allows us to shift from being driven by our fear-activated high-drama ego to being driven by our calmer, wiser Higher Self.
The complex question "What is ego?" will be explored and explained more in future posts. But this simple way of looking at our two selves can be extremely helpful in building SQ. At the heart of my approach to this process is one essential question: Who is driving my life? Who is in charge of my decisions? Am I letting my immature ego desires tell me who I should be, how I should act, and what I should strive for? Or is there a deeper, calmer Higher Self voice guiding my choices?
We can learn to observe when our inner voice is small, scared or defensive. This ego-self identifies with making us the victim of all those heartless bad people out there and makes itself the hero. "I had pure intentions but just LOOK at what that other person did to me!" When I engage in a blame-game I know I am coming from a frightened ego perspective.
The ego leaps to assumptions about other people's motives and tends to assume the worst. On the contrary, the Higher Self is more humble, honest, and objective. It acknowledges that it never (yes, never) has all the information. The Higher Self would say, "I really don't know WHY the other person just did that behavior... But I can imagine the pain or circumstances that might cause someone to do that." Higher Self remains open and curious, and from this place come better decisions.
Why does it matter if my immature ego self is driving my life? Won't I just be getting what I want out of life? My answer: I doubt it. At best, you will get short-term gratification. But in the long run, immature ego-behaviors leave you empty, unfulfilled.
Think about people you know. You may know someone who seems so wound up and easily triggered that everyone tiptoes around her. Or you may know someone who is always arguing with or attacking someone. It is as if she or he is only "happy" when outraged and full of adrenaline. Or you may know someone who just seems to go out of his or her way to be helpless and get rescued. And whether we like to admit it or not, in our most honest moments we know that there's a part of ourselves that sometimes is easily triggered, enjoys feeling self-righteous, or likes others to fix our problems. And coming back to drama -- where there is drama, you can be sure there are two or more triggered or immature egos interacting.
Why does this matter? In the workplace, egos can create tremendous loss of morale and productivity. The follow-on costs show up in poor employee retention, low customer service numbers, higher recruiting costs, and higher production costs. In our own lives, drama can steal our joy.
Fortunately we have another part of ourselves -- a "Higher Self" or most authentic self. It's the part of us that is unselfish, loving, and wise. I like to say that when I'm operating from my Higher Self, nothing I do would embarrass me if it were printed on the front page of the newspaper, because I would be operating, to the best of my understanding, from the intention to be a loving person in the world.
Once we can acknowledge, with compassion, that there are these different drives within each of us -- some that are more noble, kind and inspired, and others that tend toward pettiness, selfishness, and limitation -- then we can understand the basic practice of developing spiritual intelligence. The bottom line is that if you're going to be more spiritually intelligent, you need to act less from your ego and more from your Higher Self.
Here is the essence of what spiritual intelligence allows us to do: We can mature the ego, gently shift it out of the driver's seat, and allow our Higher Self to drive the car of our life. That's when the destination suddenly becomes clear, the process speeds up, and we develop at maximum pace. All the while, we are also at peace in the moment, knowing and trusting that the best part of ourselves is in charge, and therefore we are in the best place we could possibly be, right now.